1.  A Lot of These Matchups Don't Make Sense

Look. I know that the fun of the game is that we get to see all these characters that wouldn't normally interact fight each other. I know that video games don't always have to make sense. I for sure know that what I'm about to say will ensure that someone in the comments section will call me in asshole in a manner that'll probably be vaguely racist. I don't care. The nerd in me can't help but be upset by the fact that a lot of the match ups are incredibly unrealistic. Ganondorf is an immensely power sorcerer that has taken control of entire kingdoms on numerous occasions. Bowser is a massive dinosaur monster with the ability to breathe fire. Palutena is a straight up goddess. Diddy Kong, meanwhile, is a monkey with a baseball cap. He should not be able to hold his own like he does. Yes, I'm sucking a lot of the fun out of the series by getting upset about this, but that's why I'm here. Buckle up because it's gonna get worse before it gets better.


2. A Lot Of The Characters Aren't Even Fighters  

 

As Nintendo continues its quest to represent every single franchise they ever crapped out, they've brought a couple of characters to the Brawl that have absolutely no business being there. Take the Villager. Though he may look like he's about to brutally slaughter everyone in his path, he's never actually demonstrated any sort of fighting ability before. Just because the Villager the star of a popular video game series does not fully justify the game designers cobbling together a moveset and trying to pass off the ability to grow trees as powerful attack. The same goes with Wii Fit Trainer, Duck Hunt, R.O.B., and all the other characters that are clearly only there to fill out the roster.

3. "FALCON PUNCH!"

While we're on the topic of cobbled together movesets, can we take a second to talk about the first non-fighting fighter of the series: Captain Falcon.  I mean, sure, it's hard to imagine the game without the iconic Falcon Punch now, but think about how lazy the genesis of that move must have been:

Programmer #1: "Hey, we got this character called Captain Falcon. He's from a racing game so we gotta come up with some new moves for him to fight with. Any ideas?"

Programmer #2:  "Well punching hurts people right? Why not have him punch people?"

Programmer #1: "Yeah, but that doesn't really relate to the character very much..."

Programmer #1: "His name is Falcon, right? What if we made the punch in the shape of a bird?"

Programmer #1: "Yes! Nailed it!"

 

4. Why Do The Characters Explode When They Fall?

 

What kind of unimaginable horrors occur offscreen that cause massive explosions? Like, are the stages just lined with landmines, or do Italian plumbers and Pokemon just naturally naturally combust when they're hurled from a cliff. Whatever's going on must be pretty intense because it's the only thing capable of actually killing any of these characters. Get shot in the face with a laser? Shake it off. Fall into whatever terrifying abyss is off screen? Instant death.

Speaking of which...


5. Damage Is Calculated Really Weirdly

One of the newest combatants to the series is Bowser Jr., an adorable little scamp with a wide arsenal of weapons that would make Jigsaw from the Saw movies shit his pants. Among the many tools he brings to the battle are a hammer, multiple drills and a straight up buzzsaw...seriously. If you want to, in the latest game you can come at beloved Nintendo characters with a rusty looking saw, and though that should be terrifying, it's not for the mere fact that it doesn't really seem to hurt people that much. It does damage sure, but it's about the same amount as Mr. Game and Watch does by throwing sausages at people which...yeah, that probably should be the case.

Both of these attacks fail in comparison to what is arguably the most powerful move in the game: A little pink puffball gently falling asleep on people. Yes, Jigglypuff's rest attack is often a death sentence because nothing makes sense in the backwards world of Smash.