The Holiday Season is upon us, and that means we're all going to be bombarded with propaganda relating to basically one holiday in particular: Christmas. But not everyone celebrates Christmas, so just follow our handy guide to avoid awkward or offensive encounters with the less festive among us.
Don't wish someone a Merry Christmas, since they may not celebrate it. And don't tell anyone "Happy Holidays" either, since they're probably not very happy that they don't get to celebrate Christmas. Just say "Hi" instead.
Or if you must sing them, at least change the lyrics to make them less abrasive. For example, instead of singing: "I'm dreaming of a White Christmas, just like the ones I used to know," try, "I'm dreaming that I forgot to study for a test in high school, just like I do every other night." Now isn't that better?
If snow collects around your home, eliminate it by any means necessary. It's too closely related to Christmas and its presence stands a serious chance of offending someone, so when it begins to pile up, simply dump pot after pot of boiling water on it until it's all melted away. You: 1, Mother Nature: 0.
Ever. We can not stress this enough. Presents are connected with Christmas, and giving someone a gift for their birthday, anniversary, or even Hanukkah will simply remind them of Christmas. It's safest not to give anyone a gift under any circumstance, and if someone tries to give you one for let's say, graduation, refuse it and ask them how they could possibly be so insensitive.
Families gather together at Christmas, so it's best to avoid them altogether so as not to offend any onlookers. Unfriend all relatives from Facebook, block your parents' phone number, and legally change your name to something ridiculous like Sandwich T. Puffenstuff to make yourself more difficult to track down.
Look, some foods are only consumed during Christmas time, and that's not right. Egg nog, candy canes, those Little Debbie Christmas tree cakes -- all of these are offensive as shit and should not be eaten ever, but other less obvious foods should also be avoided. Like turkey. While turkey is more closely associated with Thanksgiving, a lot of people eat it on Christmas, too, so it's out. Come to think of it, Thanksgiving is also too closely related to Christmas, so no more Thanksgiving either. You'll "thank" us later.
December 25th is Christmas, but if there's no December 25th, then there's no Christmas. Hear us out here: Why don't we make February 29th a permanent day on the calendar, replacing December 25th. Then every year on leap year, we'll just add February 30th. This also solves the ridiculous problem of February having less than 30 days, which never made any sense to us. If you think this is a good idea, you can sign an official White House petition to make it a reality. (Seriously).