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It's not Santa's "Fun House," it's Santa's WORK-shop and it's aptly named: what else would you call a round-the-clock assembly line that looks EXACTLY like a bunch of eight-year-olds some psychopath dressed up and forced to work for food? Even if these so-called "elves" are of age, however, it's not like their situation is any less disturbing. Ever see an elf take a break? Ever hear of one retiring? We KNOW they don't get holidays off. Maybe they should all move out of the North Pole and on to somewhere a little more sympathetic to worker's rights. You know, like North Korea?

 

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Santa sure does place a lot of emphasis on the gift-giving aspect of relationships and not so much on the part where you be a good person just because, does he not? What exactly is the message is he's trying to send? That if you're a good person, the universe rewards you, otherwise it doesn't? First of all, no, that's not the way it works, and secondly, even if it were, that's a pretty shitty reason to be nice to your parents and to not hit your sister in the face whenever you feel like it. Why, because if you do, five months from now some mystical spirit might bring you a new X-Box? THAT'S a lesson we want kids learning in their most formative years? How dare you, Santa! Don't you know much these kids look up to you? Speaking of which...

 

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Why is it when Michael Jackson spends his adulthood hanging out with children in an elaborate fairy tale setting he's a pervert, but when Santa does it he's a beloved cultural icon? Gather round kids, let's all sing songs about the obese old man who devoted his life to toys and who loves nothing more than eating cookies, distributing candy, and having little kids sit on his lap and whisper in his ear! Just don't get on his bad side, otherwise he'll get REVENGE on you by leaving a "gift" in your stocking that you don't actually want! Mwahahaha! Are you guys taking notes or what?

 

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If Santa has nothing to hide, what's with all the sneaking around? He's handing out PRESENTS for crying out loud. If you were him, wouldn't you want to see the joy in people's faces, rather than turning every single house into Mission: Fucking Impossible for no apparent reason? So let's get this straight: you're only here to shower my family with gifts, yet rather than simply knocking on the door and delivering them like a normal person you'd prefer to break in, after everyone's gone to sleep, by crawling through our disgusting resin-filled chimney like a convict escaping prison? These gifts you're leaving wouldn't happened to have been purchased in a dark alley from some dude named "Q-Tip" would they?

 

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Granted, Santa's ability to breed genetically-modified flying reindeer has worked out pretty well for the rest of us, but that doesn't change the fact those animals' very existence is fucking terrifying. Hell, one of them even has a working flashlight he managed to cram inside its nose. That's some diabolic Dr. Frankenstein type shit, but does anyone ever call him on it? Of course not. As long as the gifts keep showing up under the tree every year, everyone turns a blind eye, and that's a shame. Reindeer have feelings too, Dr. Kringle, and from now on, we expect you to respect them. Also, God help you for whatever you did to those poor elves' ears.

 

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He sees you when you're sleeping? He knows when you're awake? You better watch out, you better not cry, because SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN!?!? Damn S.C., it was bad enough when you were just bribing kids, now you're straight up telling them to watch their backs because you're fucking coming for them?? Who's in charge of your music department, Michael Myers?

 

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You thought elves hate Santa Claus, how do you think Jesus feels? It's hard enough just trying to get people to come to a winter birthday party in the first place, now the poor guy also has to compete with some asshole who plans a separate party the same day and announces whoever comes to HIS party gets a free iPad? They say to forgive and forget but damn, even the son of God has his limits. Oh well, at least he's still got Easter.

OH WAIT. 

 

Photos from Renata Sedmakova / Shutterstock.com