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The classic. The least personal way to ruin someone's life for a month.

 

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Right when the intro starts, whisper in their ear, "I think we should see other people." Will they leave or will they sit through the movie? It's like a little game for yourself. If they sit through it, you missed out on a badass.

 

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Embarrassment to the hundredth degree. A dead silent library packed with scholars. Your significant other is studying. You pull out a megaphone and yell the words "I don't care about the rules of this library and I don't care about the relationship!"

 

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Make sure to include their last name on the banner so everyone throughout the city knows they are officially a sad lonely person.

 

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Nothing is more intimate than childbirth. So, why not screw it up with a "This isn't working out, peace out."

 

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This one is tricky because it requires an entire group of assholes. Take them to go see their favorite band and right before their favorite song the vocalist should call him/her on stage, followed by "He's/She's dumping you as fuck". Followed by a spotlight right on their stupid lonely faces.

 

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I can't think of a bigger statement. Light your own car on fire and make sure to leave a bunch of your stuff in it. If you really want to take it to the next level, dig up a body of someone who died around the year 1870 (so it's definitely a skeleton) and put it in the drivers seat. Move to Canada, it's cold, but you have to escape.

 

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They're most likely feeling the lowest they probably can. They've lost the people who brought them into the world and need someone to lean on. Too bad. When they come in for a deep hug you just put your hand on their face and say "I gotta go, and I don't mean out of this funeral, I mean out of this relationship."

 

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Making a film about your relationship could possibly one of the most romantic things someone could do. Telling the story of romance or love. But instead in this version, their character dies and you break the fourth wall. You look straight into that camera and say "This is a metaphor for my feelings towards you. They're dead. We're over."

 

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A fool-proof escape plan that will have you feeling like DB Cooper. All you need to do is invent the technology to clone yourself. Have your clone live the life your significant other wants and escape to Canada.

 

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Sorry Claire, these have been a great 5 years but I've found someone else. So... I guess this is bye.

 

Oh yeah, if you want you can ask my roommate Brad to drop off your sweater with the horses on it.