*According to, like, children's books I've read. And things I've gleaned from looking at the nativity scene in my living room. 

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I'm just saying. Couldn't the angel Gabriel have like, rounded up a ton of doctors and midwifes and people with inns that weren't totally booked and found Mary a nice place to chill so she could push a baby out of her VIRGIN vagina? It just seems like, if you have all this power, so much so that you can get all the homies to travel far and wide to get to this place to look at a baby, you could've at least hooked a sister up so she didn't have to give birth to the Lord's son in a pile of dirt. Idk.

 

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And I JUST checked that on weather.com. It's a solid 20 degrees, and that's not even at night when it's like, 9 degrees. Mary gave birth to a baby, practically outside, in 9 degree weather (see #1). So why is everyone wearing some light cloth wrap, like they're just traipsing around a hot desert. I'LL TELL YOU WHY...

 

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Boom. Pour one out for the Pagans and their winter solstice.

 

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Maybe this is just coming from a place of not understanding because I rely way too much on my GPS, but I'm kinda just like, "IT'S A STAR." All these shepherds and kings and drummer boys are like, hold on, brb, gotta go walk in the general direction of this star so I can look at a baby. It would just have to be a really bright star, is all I'm saying. Because you take your eye off of a kind-of-bright star for a second, in a desert, where you can probably see all the stars ever, and you are screwed. One shepherd blinks and the others are like, "DUDE? WHICH STAR are we supposed to follow?! You were supposed to be WATCHING it!" And then they kind of just shuffle around for a little while in silence until the angel Gabriel shows up again and is like "I GIVE YOU GUYS ONE JOB. It's THAT one!" and disappears again. It just seems a little crazy to me. 

 

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So, I kind of get the kings thing. Or wise men or astronomers or whatever. Because they seem important and rich and they have all these presents. But a bunch of shepherds? I can't wrap my head around that one. First of all, they have a shit ton of sheep to herd. Like, they're trying to follow this star and get to the baby and all the while they have to get all these sheep to go there too. I can't even get my dog to get into my car. And once they're there it's like, yeah sure let's just surround a newborn baby with more dirty animals. Couldn't the angel have visited some local celebs, or some musicians or entertainers or something, make it a party? I'm not even gonna talk about how weird I find the whole random drummer boy thing. Which brings me to number 6...

 

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I'm assuming that some chicks would be interested in looking at this new Jesus baby, too. Look at anynativity scene. It's just like a bunch of dudes! Drummer boy, man shepherds, three rich guys, Joseph. Poor Mary was probably just like, are there no women around who can just high five me for, idk, pushing a baby out of my, once again, VIRGIN vagina? Christmas is a boys club. Maybe the star was actually a constellation of stars forming the shape of a penis, calling all the men from across the land to come compare dick sizes, and to ask Mary if God is well-endowed. JK she wouldn't know because she is a VIRGIN. 

 

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And according to every nativity scene I've ever looked at, she just kinda hopped up once it was over, no big deal. When she should honestly be dead. Because it's 9 degrees in a dirty barn and she just had a natural birth sans medication and ALSO she has a VIRGIN'S VAGINA. Which, let me break it down, means that not only was it a painful birth, it was THE MOST painful birth that has ever happened on this green Earth.  So, if we were to make a few adjustments to the classic nativity scene, it would be a bunch of dudes ogling at a baby while Mary is in the fetal position in a pile of hay, bleeding out. Like thank God (literally?) she didn't because she's a boss and we should all give her a ton of credit, but I'm just saying the way the story is told it doesn't make sense. She should've died. Or like contracted some horrible disease or parasite. Or whatever.

 

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Frankincense, myrrh and gold. Which is like a couple perfumes and gold. I get the gold, 'cause who doesn't want a little gold (but also, where was this gold when it could've bribed the innkeeper to make a little room for a pregnant lady). But perfume? for a baby? Why not like, idk, a hat, because it's so cold outside, or some booties. Or maybe even like a children's book from the Parenting section in a Barnes and Noble to one day explain to the little babe that Joseph isn't his real father and his mom got knocked up by a spirit? Something practical.

 

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Which sounds cute until you actually think about it. They sleep on top of their own poop. Which they might also eat. So...Merry Christmas.