Let's face it: the chances your year-end blowout really becomes the massive success it pretty much HAS to be to not be considered a huge disappointment are slim at best, but that doesn't necessarily mean ALL hope is lost. Who knows? Maybe one hour before the ball drops this December 31st you look up from your iTunes playlist and do a double-take when you notice...

 

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Granted, all your pop stars and your fashion models are probably already booked at this point, but you never know. Maybe somebody forgot to call Adam Scott. Maybe he stumbles in, downs a shot of Fireball and starts running around screaming "It's the CATALINA FUCKING WINE-MIXER!" all night. Suddenly the 364 days of anticipation everyone in the room has been subconsciously experiencing ever since last year's debacle seem to all be worth it, and suddenly your party becomes the life-changing event you always hoped it'd be. Don't live near New York or LA? Don't fret. You probably won't end up hobnobbing with an A-lister this New Year's Eve but there's always still the chance that...

 

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Hey anything's possible, right? Just imagine, ALL your guests drink the perfect amount of booze for their individual tastes and everyone has a wonderful time. No one bitches about having to drive, no one gets into a fight, no one pukes on your couch and ends up chained to your bathroom toilet for the rest of the night, and no one - repeat, NO ONE - has a hangover the next day. Granted, if more than 15 people attend your party and this actually happens it would probably be the first time in the history of the world, but then again, this is no ordinary party you're planning either, now is it? Still not convinced? Fine, then what if instead of everyone reaching the perfect level of drunk...

 

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It wouldn't be the most memorable New Year's party ever thrown but fuck...in another, twisted sort of way, maybe it would. EVERY guest at your party blacks out? Which means at some point during the night you have 20-30 people too blitzed to even realize they're conscious trying to interact with each other? How insane would that be? Then, the next day, you try and piece the shit together but only end up even more confused because no one really knows what happened? It'd definitely be a strange way to start out your year, but when you consider all the pressure you're currently under to turn this one night into the single biggest party in the history of alcohol, this is about as satisfying an outcome as one could hope to achieve. Conveniently enough, it's also one of the easiest ones to bank on, at least compared to outrageous alternatives like if...

 

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Now hang on.  It's entirely possible aliens exist, in fact, when you consider the universe is about 92 billion light years long and about 13 billion years old, it almost sounds crazier to think they don't exist. That being the case, is it really that far-fetched to think that maybe, just maybe, a highly intelligent group of them arrive on our planet this New Year's Eve, randomly stumble upon your party, and naturally spend the rest of the night dazzling your guests with amazing revelations about the wonders of the universe and distributing enough psychedelic alien drugs to sedate everyone in the place through 2017? It is? Well unfortunately it's starting to sound like this party of yours probably isn't going to live up to the hilariously unrealistic expectations society can't help but place upon it, then, because there are only so many scenarios where the work you've put into planning this thing ends up being worthwhile. At this point really the only thing left to do, in fact, is to cross your fingers and hope with all your might that this New Year's just so happens to mark the beginning of...

 

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Could be zombies, could be World War III. Hell maybe L. Ron Hubbard comes back in a spaceship and starts sucking up souls with a galactic vacuum, one thetan at a time. Whatever form it takes, if the end of the world does fall on the same night as your New Year's party, that's one hell of a shin-dig you're going to end up throwing, no matter what the rest of the festivities happen to consist of. End-of-the-world parties are the best parties humans are capable of, in part because by definition they only get to happen ONE TIME. To get the opportunity to host one of those, plus a New Year's party, ON THE SAME NIGHT? Sure, the end result will likely include the ultimate demise of you and everyone you love for the rest of eternity but hey, at least you'll go out with a bang!

Also, isn't this something you're prepared for anyway? You did just spend the last month telling all your friends this New Year's party was going to be the party to end all parties, did you not?