Getting dumped is hard. But getting dumped around the holidays is probably the hardest. Here are twelve things to try to avoid when breaking up around Christmas.
It is like the electron microscope of pain for every love oriented, Christmas themed, emotion. Unless you actually enjoy regretting lost opportunities, fuck "Love, Actually".
During the holidays, every store tries to placate the family values of consumerism by displaying advertisements of overly joyful couples giving gifts to each other. Hint: HAVE BABIES = BUY MORE STUFF. Just avoid them like Ebola or else your insides will turn to liquid. Like Ebola.
Because few things in life are more ironic after a breakup than seeing "The Nutcracker". Although Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol" is slightly better, your own dickens won't feel much better for it.
There's something about a little yuletide cheer that turns Pinterest and Instagram into a slideshow of Mormonism's greatest hits. Prepare to be flooded with Disney references and pictures of couples with their foreheads touching.
Usually a festive affair!... If you had someone to stumble back to. Now they're just a debauched attempt at finding a mate with the same people you're already tired of.
Get ready to face a shit blizzard of bad advice from your loved ones. Most likely, they will try to set you up with that weird friend of a friend's daughter at your family Christmas party who got a nose job in college so she looks "better". Heck, maybe she even does. But it's not going to fill the void of having to answer the dreaded question of "where is your girlfriend?" FML. That's where Nana.
Christmas time has an oddly magical "something miraculous can still happen before loneliness consumes you" kind of feeling. (I'm talking to you, Every Christmas Movie Protagonist). Unfortunately, the only thing miraculous you can do is to dignifiedly avoid the hollywood hullabaloo without looking like one of those douchily eager-to-please mannequins from Old Navy.
This one is actually ok- if you avoid making baked goods entirely and focus on getting yourself *echm* super baked. Otherwise, building that gingerbread house is going to feel a bit like that pottery scene in the Patrick Swazye movie Ghost... Except you're Patrick Swayze, and Demi Moore's the Ghost.
The holiday season can be really great at making you remember two things: Fun childhood memories and the ghosts of girlfriends past. Unless you like cultivating your inner Scrooge, try to avoid the latter by not taking those walks down memory lame.
Yes, Santa. Avoid him. In this age of digital dating, that monogamous son of a bitch has set one high fucking bar.
Two weeks before Christmas day is practically the hottest times of the year to break up. Socially speaking, it probably means you're worthy of being burned at the stake. But that doesn't mean it's hopeless, because come the new year, everyone wants to sleep with someone. Maybe even you burned at the stake guy.
A new year is coming up, so as they say in that Disney movie Frozen, "Let It Go".