First off, you get free occasional massages in a relationship, so that's already a huge leg-up on "not massages."

But beyond that, when a significant other is massaging you, you get to avoid that really weird moment when a professional masseuse is about to massage your buttal area and neither of you know what's going to happen, and you kind of want a butt massage because your butt muscles are always super tense, but you definitely don't want some hotel employee stranger literally grasping your butt cheeks for 5 minutes to the haunting sounds of a royalty-free "Sounds of the Island Spirit" cd.

Single people: You're literally walking around with YEARS of built-up tension in your butt muscles. That shit's dangerous.



Watching 9 episodes of Black Mirror while you're home alone eating delivery on a Friday? Fun, sure, but you're being "antisocial."

Watching 9 episodes of Black Mirror while you're with your partner eating delivery on a Friday? That's just a wonderful Friday spending quality time with the one you love.



Ahhh, nothing beats a significant other making a "sick" run for you, picking up some soup and ginger ale and medicine then cooking for you and you thanking them adorably. The perfect mix of adorable coupleness and practicality!

When you're single, what are you gonna go? Ask your roommate to do some grocery shopping for you? Attempt to leave the house and walk around and interact with cashiers? Hell no. You're gonna sit there and rationalize that all you need is sleep and the two things left in your apartment (balsamic vinegar's good for colds, right?) then wait to feel better or die.



If the event is unskippable (See: List Item #2) then here's your next best out:

"Hey we'd love to stay, but he's gotta wake up early tomorrow and do some work, so we should probably bolt. Also he's very drunk, so really we're not ditching your party, we're improving it by being extremely sensible. But thanks for having us!"

Boom. Social obligation defeated. NEXT STOP: #8 on this list.



Also, when someone you meet mentions their girlfriend/boyfriend, you don't instantly get mad at them for having their own life that existed before this precise moment. Those bastards.



Or you're acting dumb. Or just, when you are dumb. And they're right. And you know they're right, and you don't get mad. Is there anything more valuable than that?



Forgot to mention that, but that's totally part of this list too. But I already used up the 12 things. But yeah, love, companionship etc.

But seriously, again, those butt massages...



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