One of my jobs during my nearly-ending college experience was working at a banquet hall. As much fun as it sounds to wait on rednecks hand and foot while earning pitiful tips, the job was actually quite horrible. As a bartender and serverat these events, here are a few tips for all of you cheap-asses who only came for the free drinks.


Please tip. We get paid on l sweatshop levels. You're not paying for our drinks, but I'm paying my dry-cleaning bill for this retarded tuxedo shirt to get the cherry stains out, and that shits like, $3 a pop.


Don't hit on us.We deal with drunks on the daily, at levels which would shame your local dive bars on 'Penny Draft Night'. We deal with horny groom's men, crying bride's maids who will "…never get married" at weddings, and that creepy guy Bud from the stock room at office parties. We can't leave with you, nor would we really want to. Yes you can have a beer, but no, you can not have my number.


Lose the 'tude. We get demands on the regular. The food is already made. We can't special order your stuffed pork chops and "hold the tomatoes". This isn't a fucking McDonald's. I don't believe you that your allergic when you smother your plate in ketchup, asshole. If your gonna make a fuss, I might "accidentally" put your new order on a dirty plate… it happens.


RANCH DRESSING. I don't know if it is an east coast thing… but ranch dressing doesn't go one EVERYTHING. Salad, pizza, chicken nuggets are game. But in what universe does ranch compliment chicken marsala and what on God's green earth do you need it for when your eating lasagna? What's that? Can you have MORE ranch? Sure, I'll bring it back with in an I.V. and a side of aspirin, cause your about to have a heart attack, fatass.


Sentimental feelings. What's that? You used to work here huh? When you were my age? Get outta town! No, I don't know him, sorry. Wow, that's great! You're only the second person to say that me since yesterday. It's not like people don't quit this shithole one a week, and I'm sure they threw you a party, too. Now I'm gonna go talk shit about you and roll my eyes in the kitchen… don't feel bad, you know how it is here.


No, I don't want to dance. I want to carry this try of food, drinks and ciggarette butts to the kitchen without spilling on the floor, myself, or you. I'm sure you're a great dancer, I could tell ever since you fell while doing the Electric Slide. Maybe next time.Save me a song!… or not.


Case under your table? Are you serious? It's an open bar. That means free. You're right sir, we don't serve Keystone Ice, but we DO serve , which is probably the same beer, just in a bottle rather than a can. We also have a wide variety of drinks in the Anheiser Busch family. Plus it's free and cold. Since you are clearly over 21 years of age, I guess you're just rollin' old school with your warm pounders under that pleather coat you bought with your Marlboro miles. You are a true rebel.