1. A Security Guard In The Opening Scene

 


Hmm, the movie opens with a doughy nondescript white dude walking around shining a flashlight around indiscriminately and saying "hello???" at otherworldly noises? Better pay attention, I think this guy's gonna be a major character for the next two hours. Kinda surprised they didn't cast someone bigger, honestly.

 

2. Henchman Who Just Let The Good Guy Get Away


 

"I'm sorry, boss, he just... went POOF and was gone!"

"He just went...POOF, you say?" [Long Pause. Starts laughing. All the other henchmen start laughing too]

"Oh awesome, he's laughing, I'm in the clear. Weird, now he's picking up a meat cleaver that was lying around, I guess to cleave me a 'nice try' apology steak. Man, what a good boss this guy is."

 

3. The Super-Antagonist Good Guy Who Will Redeem Himself In The End

"Step aside, MAIN CHARACTER, I'll be handling this case from now on. Yeah, me, the character actor with the face you INSTANTLY hate who played the shitty dad in that other movie. And despite my 20 years of FBI training, I'm gonna fuck up literally EVERY decision along the way, including minor ones [drinks coffee upside down, spills it all over himself] and antagonize you while I'm doing it. That reminds me, FUCK you."

[70 minutes later] "You still have a chance!" [Heroically blows self up to give the heroes a 3 second head start]

 

4. Pilots in an Action Movie

 

 

Obvious Main Character boards plane. Obvious Villain sneaks onto plane with his team of hijackey shooty guys. And rounding out the cast, a bland 15%-southern-ish pilot dude and his glasses-havin' milquetoast copilot who flick switches for 10 seconds then announce they're cleared for takeoff.

One thing's for certain: Those two guys will definitely be landing that plane themselves. It won't be crashing, nor will the responsibility of landing it fall to one of the other actual-actors.

 

5. Acquaintance of the Main Character While The Main Character Is Rushing In To Tell Them Good News Before They Even Get There


[Running down hall yelling excitedly at no one]

"Didja hear, Uncle Ronnie! I did it! I totally nailed the piano recital and won the scholarship!!! You would've been SO PROUD of m--"

[Enters hospital room, there's a nurse there folding up an empty bed]

"Where...where's Uncle Ronnie?"

"I'm afraid Mr. Ronald didn't make it. I'm so sorry, especially cause you sounded so excited saying all that stuff to him when you were like thirty feet away on your way to where you thought he was."

 

6. A Security Guard 40 Minutes into the Movie

 

 

Someone's about to break into the big Evil Corporation, but that's none of this guy's concern. He's just hangin' around with his hat down over his eyes totally missing 11 characters sneaking through all 12 tiny black-and-white security monitors. "HEY WAIT, STOP RIGHT THERE, THE BAD GUYS!"

Then we all know what happens next. That's right: The random security guard thwarts and arrests all of the bad guys, 40 minutes into the film, before the main characters can get there. Then they spend the remaining 100 minutes of the movie buying the heroic security guard celebratory carbombs. Congrats, that dude!!