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Then tweet 'BRB' and watch as they patiently wait for you like naive puppies.

 

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The twist is a small sprinkling of cocaine in every Dixie Cup. Your customers will be hooked and many will lose their jobs trying to fill their addiction wracked bodies with more of your "lemonade." Run to Mexico the second the loans are paid off.

 

undefined Message me for the specific geographic coordinates.

 

undefined PSYCHE! Never, ever do that. Don't give in to corporate greed. Mientkiewicz wouldn't!

 

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DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ANYONE. ALTERNATINGLY TURN LEFT AND RIGHT EVERY FOUR BLOCKS. DISREGARD ALL STREETLIGHTS AND CONTINUE RUNNING UNTIL YOU ARE TWO COUNTIES OVER. FIND AN ABANDONED CEMETERY. DIG UP MOST RECENTLY BURIED BODY AND WEAR THEIR SKIN FOR SEVEN YEARS UNTIL YOUR FORMER IDENTITY IS DECLARED LEGALLY DEAD.

 

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You can join as "The Wild And Crazy Freak Who Speaks The Dead Language Of Latin And Actually Knows How The Electoral College Works!!!" The circus will provide room and board for the rest of your days and forward your paychecks to the Federal Government. Also all your friends will be carnies!

 

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Incredulously explain this is the money you have used your entire life. Slowly reveal your father always wore a top hat, monocle and preferred the name Rich Uncle Pennybags. Your childhood of constantly moving 1-12 houses down the road every month suddenly makes sense. As does Rich Uncle Pennybags' malevolent hatred of parking officers who denied him free parking. Everyone will believe this story and you will receive a lucrative movie deal.

 

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Offer to tutor the loan company's children in Victorian Era Linguistics! No one can deny such a useful life skill!

 

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Debtor's prison may be inevitable ... but boredom doesn't have to be!

 

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Explain to your 17 year-old self that the world is already explored and Geography is obsolete. If the logistics of space and time make this impossible you must win Jeopardy 19 times in a row.

 

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Since Zoltron is immortal he only needs to pay 2¢ a month, and he has great credit references from Zeus and Jehovah. Write "Zoltron will outlast your puny company" in the memo line of all checks.

 

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Some ideas: the guy who invented sidewalks or Jimmy Fallon's body triple.

 

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This method is absolutely ridiculous, but I figured I'd include it.