4. Jon Hamm's Hamboner Is a Longjohn


Source: thesuperficial

C'mon. Look at this shit! Look at it! Jon Hamm? More like Jon Sausage! He was named after the wrong meat, assuming all of our last names are meant to serve as metaphors for our genitals. How big is Jon Hamm's longjohn? So big that he literally had to demand people stop talking about it:

"Would you want people walking up to you and pointing at your d--k? I can't believe I'm still talking about this." - Jon Hamm, owner of a legendary peepee

Sorry Jon, but this Mad Man's got one mad member.


5. LBJ Gave His Jumbo Pork Sword an Appropriate Nickname


LBJ had an LBJ of his own - Long Boner Johnson (the J standing for the same thing is just a coincidence). Yes, the 36th President of the United States of America had a phallus so phantastic that even HE referred to it as "Jumbo." Not only that, but he was infamous for waving it around in public and hooting shit like:

"Have you ever seen anything as big as this?" - The 36th President of the United States of America, re: his Texan-style dangler

And he made use of it - apparently he was a more frequent philanderer than his predecessor, John F. Kennedy, a president known for his frequent affairs.

To date, no president has a peter as infamous as LBJ's. Sorry, all you Herbert Hoover penis fans.


6. Jay-Z's Humongo Peen Cannot Be Contained By Beyonce


Nas' babymama Carmen Bryan has described Jay-Z's Big-D to be like:

  • a baby's arm
  • the neck of a giraffe
  • an elephant's trunk

Those are all some pretty big things - things way bigger than your normal, run-of-the-mill schlong. But what say Beyonce, the true arbiter of Jay-Z's giraffe-neck-esque boner? Look no further than her song Ego, which many have taken as a metaphor for Mr. Z's impressive weenus:

It's too big, it's too wide

It's too strong, it won't fit

It's too much, it's too tough

He talk like this 'cause he can back it up

Sounds like he's got 99 problems, and most of them are the fact that his dick literally won't fit inside his wife's vagina.