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Listen, I didn't want it to come to this, but I'm worried about you. I know what you've been doing lately. And don't lie to me and say you've done anything. I've been watching you for the past few months; monitoring your conversations, your web browsing, and your online shopping habits. I'm concerned.

Forget about civil liberties and your rights as an American. My name is Ralph and I'm with the NSA, talking to you as a friend. I'm trying to help you and you've changed since the last time we spoke.

I couldn't help but notice that you don't go on Facebook or Twitter anymore. Is everything okay?  I noticed that after you broke up with your girlfriend, traffic on those websites really started to taper off. Does she have something to do with it?  Are you afraid that you're going to look at her profiles and reminisce about the times you've had together, preventing you from moving on? I saw you said something along those lines to your friend George, but I just wanted to make sure that was the case.  I know a lot about your ex, but I promise that I won't tell her anything that you tell me.  It'll stay strictly between us, the computer servers, and a couple thousand NSA agents.  

And has everything been going well at work lately?  You've been spending a lot of money lately from your Chase account on very frivolous things.  What are you really going to do with some hunting rifles?  And now you're looking at buying a set of professional knives?  Are you trying to get a show on the Discovery Channel or something?  I know you're into the whole farm-to-table thing, but we both know how busy you are with work and how tired you get on the weekends.  It just seems like you're spending a lot of money that you could be saving for retirement.  By the way, was there a reason that you converted all of your money to bitcoin?  Are you planning to go to the Middle East anytime soon?

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I saw that you've also become involved in some social groups, too.
I'm glad that you are getting out of the house and meeting up with other people your own age.  That's good for you.  Do you find that you're a good fit with the Postmasters of the United States?  I heard that that the KKK was a bit more fun, sometimes.  By any chance, have you heard anything about ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi?  I'm an old friend and was just looking to reconnect, that's all.  

Just gimme a ring back and let me know how you've been lately.  I just wanted to check in, make sure that you aren't a threat to the National Security Interests of the United States are doing well.  I'd love to hear from you...you know, directly.