There are just so, SO many ways to piss a person off that you may have never considered. So, learn from my mistakes and with the help of this list, you may never piss anyone off again! (Or you can use this list for evil yet subtle revenge.)

 

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My flawed logic: 
"Ooo, I wonder what my old buddy is up to? Why don't I call her to catch up?"

The truth:
What year do you think it is, 1996? Phoning people is stalker-level weird! Calling people is an activity reserved for only two occasions:

  1. There is a major emergency occurring or about to occur that directly impacts the party you are calling
  2. Literally the most hilarious thing in the entire universe just occurred and you're laughing too hard to be able text about it and you didn't capture it on video so you can't YouTube it

The good news:
While you may not be able to call your friend for support during your break-up or loss of a loved one, you can text her about anything at all and it won't be considered intrusive in the least.

Me: "Just farted, totes smells like ceasar salad, lolz!"

Friend: "lmao"

Interaction success!

 

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My flawed logic: 
"HAHAHA! This is totally something Alex would laugh at! It's only 2-minutes, I'm going to send it."

The truth:
Putting a link in an e-mail is a straight up IMPOSITION. It's like assigning a project that no one has time for. Nobody wants to click on your shit.  What if the video isn't that funny? That's 2-minutes of life that someone will never be able to get back. Have some respect.

The good news:
Since no one in the world has time for a 2-paragraph article or a 30-second video, if you ACTUALLY watch the 12-minute TedTalk that your buddy James sent you about the "Art and Science of LARPing", you will automatically be upgraded to hero status in his eyes.

 

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My flawed logic: 
"Oh hey, that's a guy I know over there. I should greet him and ask him how his life is going."

The truth:
People are full-on dicks before noon hour! A simple "How are you?" gets answered aggressively with, "Well, how am I supposed to know that? The day hasn't really even started yet, has it?" If you want to be safe, just don't speak unless spoken to.

The good news:
Some kind of magic happens after the clock strikes 12 p.m. and all those unapproachable a-holes will start asking YOU how you are. Don't ask me how it works, it's science.

 

 

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My flawed logic:
"I'm just going to eat my salad over here and mind my own business, la la la la..." 

The truth:
If an insecure co-worker catches wind of the fact that you sometimes work out, have given up on drinking or decided to bring a healthy lunch to work ONE FREAKING TIME, they're going to think you're doing it for the sole purpose of rubbing your superior, smug lifestyle in their face. That salad is a loaded political statement, be prepared to hear about how " a real American eats deep fried meat at every meal, it's called FREEDOM!"

The good news:
You will most likely outlive this person that is so mad at you for being healthy. If you need a way to keep the peace in the meantime, just make up some story that will both make them pity you AND feel biologically superior to you. For example: "Yeah, I wish I was as naturally fit as you, but my doctor said I have to run a few times a week just to keep me from becoming totally obese. Crazy right?"

 

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My flawed logic:
"Oh damn, in spite of some of those healthy choices I was making (see #4 on this list), I am now totally sick! This sucks. I have to text Jess that I can't go out tonight, she'll understand."

The truth:
Remember how I said texts weren't intrusive? Well, ones containing the phrase "I'm sick" actually ARE, they're really intrusive. Being sick is not YOUR burden, it is the exclusive burden of each person you tell.

Now your friend is confused because she's fighting a battle inside her head between how she feels (annoyed) and how she should feel (caring, sympathetic).

She is now obligated to send you some fake text about how "It's totally okay that you can't come out, just take care of yourself. If you need anything at all just ask, babe!"

Doing you a favor while you're sick is the last thing in the world Jess wants to do. If you actually take her up on her offer, there will be a lot of excuses why she can't; mainly that you messed up her Friday night plans by having a shitty immune system, you selfish bastard!

The good news?
Umm...wait a second... do I just hang out with really mean people? Maybe there are people out there who don't get mad when you ask how they are, over the phone, after laughing at an internet video you sent them, while eating salad, on a sick day. Are you out there nice people? Helloooo?