There's just nothing more instantly, perversely satisfying than seeing someone post a FB Status or Tweet that's so exceptionally bad, it finally makes you no longer feel guilty for clicking the Unfollow button.
Usually it goes something like this:"I really shouldn't just unfollow people I disagree with. Keeping a breadth of perspectives is important, so I don't just surround myself with a like-minded echo chamber."
[Reads four words of That Guy's status]
[Brain releases RUSH of endorphins]
Rainy Saturday afternoon? Some Tuesday where you got home early and dreaded going back out for a crappy meetup thing you really wanted to skip?
There's a simple solution: Accidentally fall asleep for WAY too long! You get tons of extra rest, you don't have to do anything, and then when you wake up you can eat dinner and dick around because time will be meaningless to you!
When you work in an office, this exact realization will produce 60% of your happiness on any given day. The rest will be divided to varying degrees amongst coffee, reading stuff on your phone during long bathroom trips, and making fun of a co-worker's shitty email with other co-workers. (Unless it's a rare 'Free Food' day, then that instantly consumes all 100%)
"Alright, no more messing around, I HAVE to do my laundry... except the Laundromat is CLOSED on Wednesdays, I forgot! Hahaha, I win!!! In your face, errand! Ok, guess I'll go to the gym instead... except the gym CLOSES IN 90 MINUTES!!! Definitely no time to go do my 15 minutes of half-assed running. Sorry, today, but I tried!"
Ahhh, nothing like standing there in a trance flicking water at the wall of your shower for like 45 minutes to get you warm and relaxed during a shitty, shitty Winter. In your face, Winter! Did you even shampoo yet? You can't even remember, man. Better do it again.
Oh HELL yeah, just drop that giant overflowing bag of crap and plop RIGHT down on your bed. What's even in it? Dirty clothes? Clean clothes that are dirty now because they're near the dirty clothes? Still-clean clothes that got so badly creased you're gonna have to wash them anyway? Pieces of some cookie you were saving now ground into the fabric of the bag?Doesn't matter. It's not your problem until at least 48 hours after you've been back. Maybe 48 days. We'll see how this goes.
Nothing makes you so INSTANTLY certain you possess some level of The Force quite like binge-watching a tv show and skipping over the opening credits of a show with perfect accuracy.
Ahhhh, that feeling when you hear the first note of the theme song then click forward and immediately hear the last note and the 'Created By' credit. Just nothing like it. That must've been what, like, God felt like to our ancestors.
What did humans even enjoy before shows? Like, the game Jacks? Jacks and that farmer game where you roll the wooden hoop with a stick? Pretty sure it was just those two things up until, like, Twin Peaks.
Ahhh, crap, someone you only medium-care-about is having some stupid party, and they came to your last thing so you probably should go, but you have other plans (you don't yet, but you're trying very hard to make them) and it's raining out. Only two glorious beams of light can lead you to salvation:1) You realize the party is like, three blocks away from you, so you can show up for 15 minutes, pound some drinks, say hi, and ghost
or 2) The party is SUPER far away, so you feel completely justified missing it.
If neither of these things is the case, usually you'll just sit at home drinking until you convince yourself #2 is true anyway, then do whatever you want. Which is also a wonderful feeling.
Also friendship. And love and sex. And family. Eh, already used up the 10. So those are just like, bonus ones.
(Pics via Shutterstock)