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To this day, any time a sex scene occurs on an HBO or Netflix show I'm watching (or even a network or basic cable show where it's not even explicit), I immediately frantically turn the volume down, as though my parents are gonna storm into the room from several U.S. states away and faint at their adult son watching Pete Campbell kissing an incredibly clothed lady.

 

Even though I'm usually alone in my apartment and well past the age of being able to partake in intercourse, let alone see people pretending it (yeah man, I have DONE it before !!!!!!!!), I still get embarrassed and self conscious, and have just accepted I'll be that way well into the future when I'm experiencing sexy 3-D hologram simulators in my mid-80s.

 

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Sorry, brain, I'm just way too late in my life to spend the effort to unlearn the tune that accompanies the alphabet. Though I'm not a TOTAL child, I at least do the song a little faster now and mostly don't hum it out loud.

 

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Does the impulse to 'ride' the back of a cart while pushing it ever naturally go away as you age? Or is it completely innately built into our human DNA, and our moms just fighting that impulse their entire lives to set an example in front of us?


I am not a scientist, but I am scientifically certain that it's the second thing.

 

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I've been in a relationship for 6 years and I've successfully managed to avoid putting myself in any position where I have to call my girlfriend's parents by their first names (ahhhh weeeeird) or do the equally embarrassing "Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Lastname Persons" with a robotic handshake and no eye contact because I am still a child who is their subordinate.


I'm confident I can make it the rest of my life without ever having to actually confront this dilemma. Problem solved!



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If there's one thing you learn very quickly in the working world, it's that EVERYONE -- from super-higher-up boss types to really quiet people who usually eat a banana and count that as lunch -- will POUNCE on any free food in any occasion, no matter what it is or when they last ate or how much money they make that would obviously give them the ability to just buy that food instead of fighting interns in the office kitchen for half a bagel.


At least broke college kids have an excuse to fight over communal pizza (then get mad when they open the box and it's empty and wonder why the last person didn't just throw the box away). But that impulse somehow only gets more intense as you get (theoretically) more mature.



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For some reason, when you're not a kid anymore, you don't even acknowledge the concept of "Tummy Aches" because it sounds like such a dumb mom-warning-kid 'boogeyman' type thing, and the word "Tummy" is dumb and childish. But it turns out, when you're older, you're way MORE susceptible to stomach aches; the term "tummy" rarely gets used, but "ahhh fuck I fucked up my stomach and feel like shit" comes up rather often (not necessarily verbatim, but usually).


Turns out, eating an entire container of ice cream while hungover will, in fact, make your body feel bad! Fortunately, as an adult, you'll also possess the ability to internalize those feelings and remember them for, like, a day before fucking your body up again way too soon.

 


MORE REASONS WHY THE ADULT WORLD SUCKS:

 

11 Grown-Up Things I've Just Accepted I'll Always Suck At

Unemployment: Expectations vs. Reality

Your Greatest Fear at Every Stage of Your Life