Not a day goes by without the aching longing to rip my pants off with excited "LETS DO THIS" gusto. Basketball players get to do this every single game. Not only that, but they then get to throw them wherever they want and someone will pick them up for them. No one man should have all that power. Or if so, it should be me.

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Bowling a spare or a strike is an incredible feeling. And who better to celebrate with than a bowling ball dressed like a pirate, adorably commandeering a vessel manned by little pirate bowling pins? I mean cmon! How fun is that! There are so many bowling animations and they are all great. Some are in space! They even have ones for when you roll a gutterball or get a 7-10 split - even at our lowest, those kooky bowling pins stand with us in solidarity.

 

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Golf is one of the only sports that I would refuse a contract to go professional in if it were offered - simply because the pros aren't allowed to use golf carts. Golf carts are incredible. They are basically just go-karts that dressed up nice for church. Riding one affords you a bootlegged thrill of zooming down the highway with the top down.

 

TIP: If you simply pretend like you can't find the ball you hit, you can do donuts in your cart as you pretend to "look" for it.

 

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Playing baseball affords you the unique opportunity of becoming a farm animal. You can chew loudly and often, spit wherever, and blatantly handle your genitals - all without the slightest scrutiny. Also, baseball is great because its a sport where snacking is a part of the culture. Sunflower seeds, chewing tobacco, BIG LEAGUE CHEW. Whatever you want. Shove that shit in your mouth. In baseball, the standard for conducting yourself appropriately is lower than a Carnival cruise limbo stick.

 

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