It's got the most Academy Award nominations of all time and made more money than a Saudi Arabian oil tycoon moonlighting as a cocaine and ammunitions dealer. It was everywhere, it's still a sleepover staple, and that damn Celine Dion song is forever stuck in everyone's heads. But what exactly is really wrong with Titanic? Let's explore its depths (or lack thereof)...
When you first meet Rose (Kate Winslet), she's all about how she's tired of the parties and the debutantes and basically just so over being RAF (Rich As Fuck). So instead of running away or hanging out with the Downton Abbey crew, she tries to kill herself off the boat. Then Jack stops her, and she just totally goes back to being normal. Girl, you almost threw yourself overboard, and then you just go back to sipping chamomile tea?
That's the dude's name. Fabrizio. Like Italian Febreeze. I know James Cameron did massive backstory research for all the extras on this show, so I'm willing to believe Fabrizio is a legit name. But when you win tickets on the Titanic, you get to do stuff like change your name to something fancier, like Nigel.
So Jack and Rose go down below to the cargo hold and make whoopie in someone's 1912 Renault Type CB Coupe de Ville. And the entire automobile steams up. Like, how would that the car even get warm enough to steam up so you can see a sweaty handprint mark the glass? Uh, aren't you guys about to hit an ICEBERG?! Isn't it FREEZING IN THE WHOOPIE CAR?!
I luuurve me some Kathy Bates. Yet in Titanic, she makes a few quips and teaches Jack how to use silverware. Hello! The Unsinkable Molly Brown was a boss ass bitch -- she was fluent in four languages and ran for Senate! And all she gets to do in this movie is give fork lessons? Later she makes a fuss about going back to save the other passengers but by that time it's like way over 2 hours into this movie and no one cares.
She and Jack sneak down to hang out with the Poors and knock back Guiness or something, and suddenly she gets the urge to be a show off on the dance floor with an insane ballet move without any kind of shoes. C'mon, Rose. You have money, and the Poors have this. Stop trying to steal their thunder.