Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
The 14 Stages of Being Late For Everything
March 27, 2015
Oh awesome, I don't have to leave for like an hour and fifteen minutes. That's enough time to blow through like, 3 episodes of
. Actually they're less than a half hour each, so that's more like... 5 episodes? I think I'm doing that math right.
gonna give myself 45 minutes but Google Maps says it's only 41 minutes, plus I like, move a little faster than the average human (I assume those Google Maps times take into account like, really slow old people and children, right?) So realistically I just need to give myself like, 30 minutes. 23 actually if I hit every light perfectly, which I now believe that I will.
Mmm, do I have time to sneak in one quick
season? Ahhh screw it, why not. So what if I'm a few minutes late?
Ahhhhhhhhh why did I do that I'm so late I'm so late, all I had to do was put a nicer shirt on, how did that burn twenty minutes??? WHY IS THE CLOCK MOVING FASTER THAN TIME ACTUALLY IS? I gotta fix this clock sometime soon, when I have time.
OHHH SHIT I forgot to mail my mom's birthday card, WHY DIDN'T I DO THAT EARLIER???? I could've done that any time in the last six hours back when time meant nothing! I could just say it got lost in the mail and if my mom doesn't believe it just like, never speak to her again? That'd save me like 2-3 minutes right now, easy? Nah, better mail it. SHIT!
Ahhh ok gotta run to my car gotta run to my...uhoh, that old lady in the red house up the block just looked over here, I can't have HER think I'm late to things sometimes. Just calm down and walk.
Oh my God, fifteen minutes in and I'm only HERE? This is impossible. What happened to minutes? These aren't real minutes. Did we make minutes shorter recently? I knew I should've watched the last State of the Union.
No specifics, no punctuation. Technically not a lie. You're covered.
Or, if you're in a mass transit town, say the trains were "all fucked up." Whew! You're in the clear. Has anyone ever thought of this plan before?? It's perfect.
NOOOO, now the real traffic is gonna make you EVEN LATER, thus negating your excuse. Was this karma for the lie you were about to tell? It has to be, right?
How hard would that have been? Seriously. You're a friggin' adult. Just leave your place
a little before
the last possible minute (or in this case, 25 minutes after the last possible minute). THAT'S IT: From this day forward, you are LEAVING ON TIME for shit. I know you said this the last nine times you were late, but that was in the past. Your glorious new future of totally leaving on time for shit starts today, and there's no way you'll break this promise in like, two days.
Why did you do that? Just say the real number of blocks, you don't have to lightly reduce it to make it better. Plus your friend will figure out you're lying when you don't show up in 1 minute anyway.
Repeat your opening line in your head over and over again, "OH my God, the fucking traffic man!" "OHHH my GOD, the fucking TRAFFIC, MAN!" Was that last one too much? Nah, better lay it on thick.
What an asshole.
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