Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
8 Cute Animals Who Are Secretly Assholes
March 30, 2015
This is why we can't have pets:
Predominantly known for their endorsement of baby changing stations in unisex bathrooms, these docile tree bears are actually neither bears nor docile, nor good businessmen. They are known to chase when provoked, have two penises, and take government bailouts when available.
Also known as living proof against the existence of a God, fun facts about the duck-beaver hybrid include milk sweat, retractable poisonous claws, and the distinction of being one of two mammals that lay eggs. It's like nature's psychedelic, existential hipster trying to figure out what it wants to be.
Pretty much the worst. Like a mole, a hedgehog and an anteater were making love when they were struck by magic lightning causing all of their dicks to congeal into a kind of super-dick. That's an Echidna. (Oh and if you were still wondering about that only other mammal besides the platypus with the distinction to lay eggs, yup, it's the fucking Echidna.)
As the poster boy of conservation, Pandas make for a pretty great mascot in the shittiest way possible. First, they waste nearly as much energy from eating as they get from eating. And second. They eat sitting. It's like their mere existence is an adorable death wish. But let's face it, their species has some kind of cuteness priority, so in the meantime we can afford to let a couple other endangered's go while we wait for Pandas to never have sex.
"There seems to be no crime too low for these penguins." Famous explorer George Levick once actually noted. Despite being basically the Tom Hanks of the animal kingdom, it turns out that apparently these flightless, formally attired birds love to have sex with everything. And I mean everything. Guess those Happy Feet are actually horny feet :/
The aquatic equivalent of a stoner roommate and just as slow, they are living proof that the term "survival of the fittest" is just a figure of speech for "not good at dodging boats". Much like aforementioned roommate, the manatee also has a reputation for awesome farts. Which are kind of gross and also kind of hilarious at the same time.
Like the miniature, real-life version of the Japanese anime character, Totoro, if at the first sight of humans Totoro secreted venom and then died from attention anxiety. Kind of like my great aunt Ethel, God rest her poison glands. But at least it's not milk sweat? Pass.
Ok, stop it. Yay, the internet took back popularity for sloths. But what did we ever get from them, huh? An ecosystem for fungus and bacteria? Huggable sandslash claws? More love for poop than for you? That's right, sloths love poop. So unless you're Kristen Bell on The Ellen Show, you'd have to have the intelligence quotient of Sloth from The Goonies to want an actual sloth. Tried it. Tastes bad. Just stop it.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.