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This is a no-brainer. Once I hit like, age 60 (God willing), I'm gonna clear my Browser History every time I even look away from my screen for a split second. The idea of dying and having my grandchildren interpret my last few searches as some meaningful window into my deepest fetishes is the last thing any human should want, particularly if those fetishes are, like, "Macarena Music Video UNCUT HD".



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What happens if I die with like, 40 bucks left on my Paypal account? Does that money just bounce around in money-limbo until the end of time? Better spend that shit, quick! Gonna log onto Amazon and search for something I just never got around to buying. I dunno... a SodaStream? Ehh, no, they're like $70. But the Sodastream carbonation bottles are only 10 bucks! Boom, buy four of those, checkout, ship, and die nice and even.



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Oh shit, I checked out I'm Not There the Bob Dylan biopic back in 2008 and haven't touched it in six decades. This is my last chance! Ehh, I can't find a physical DVD player anywhere here in the year 20XXBlergg. It was probably fine. Watch Coming To America on tv for the 57,000th time and be just as content.



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You know what? I've just been accumulating frequent flier miles for my entire life and I've never actually stopped to check if I can use them for anything. Wow, I have 38,000 saved up! That sounds like a lot! And it's.... 55,000 miles for a one-stop flight to Indianapolis. But I could use my miles to bring the cost down from $280 to $265? Never mind. Better just die.



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Dearest Martha, before I leave this mortal coil, there's something I must tell you... remember that awesome bakery we hit driving back from the airport a couple weeks ago? I have half a piece of red velvet cheesecake I was burying in the back of the fridge for a while. I was maybe gonna eat it sometime when I was high but just really wanted to save it. You can... sniff... you can have my leftovers. It's behind the two mostly-empty soy sauces on the left. I wasn't hiding it, but I wasn't, y'know, not hiding it either.



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This is totally optional, but it's a really unique chance to play a trick on your surviving family members by waving your grandkids to your bedside and just telling them some cryptic nonsense like, "No matter what happens after I'm gone, you can't let the Turk get his hands on the sextant first..." then pass out with your tongue sticking out before they can ask you any follow-up questions. Haha, that's a mystery they're gonna have to live with the rest of their lives! Either it'll totally mess them up figuring it out, or they'll think it was nonsense but always kiiind of wonder what it meant. But it's definitely worth a shot.



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This is it... your last chance to finally come clean about your deep, dark past. Not TOO clean, though, there's still a couple things that you are definitely taking to your grave. But just throw your family a bone and tell them about the child you may have fathered back in that Amsterdam youth hostel. They'll be shocked, but they'll also be like, "well, I'm glad he told us the worst thing he ever did. This humanizes him." Haha, yeah right. MAN if you even knew #2.



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The absolute worst case scenario when you reach the end is to tell your family something deep and loving and meaningful that they'll remember forever, then turn to the hospital tv and be like "God damn these E! Sex and the City reruns have a LOT of friggin commercials" then die. There. There you go. That's your legacy forever now. Nice one, Deaddo.