I'm fully aware that everyone has their own personal fetishes and that porn of every kind exists, and I'm TOTALLY cool with that, and would never judge someone for what they're into (within legal limits, obviously). But there's a number of themes in pornography that are SO overwhelmingly common, it really makes me wonder, "Is this what everyone finds sexy??" Here are 10 of these way-too-common threads in porn:

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I understand that porn actresses are going out of their way to extra-convey the ecstasy they're experiencing, but there's a fine line between "making audible pleasurable noises" and "emitting pained-sounding shrill high-pitched whines non-stop for twenty minutes regadless of what's happening."


Also, the noises begin one one-billionth of a second after the sex has started, so you know they're real.



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I don't mean threesomes or orgies, I'm talking about multiple separate couples each having sex in one big hotel room or college dorm with little or no regard for one another and no explanation for why this scenario is occurring.


I'm a pretty self-conscious person, particularly during sex, and I literally can't think of a more terrifying experience than having sex with someone several feet away from multiple other strangers also having sex. Why don't the people go, like, anywhere else? Whose idea was this giant casual fuckroom? Because that guy took an extremely bold stab but it paid off. Really organized everything well, too.

 

I can't even, like, drink beers without making sure I'm not going too much faster or slower than everyone around me.



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I've tried this before! It's called "attempting to have sex while you're blackout drunk but also too drunk to know you shouldn't be attempting to have sex." It stops being pleasant after a while, and I'm saying that as a non-vagina-haver, so I can imagine it can get even more unpleasant on the other end of things.


There's certainly nothing wrong with taking your time in the bedroom, but I've rarely ever had the thought "That sex was pretty good, but would've been outstanding if it were the length of an entire AMC Drama."


You ARE allowed to have regular-length sex multiple times, you don't have to cram it all into one big dry Plowathon on a series of increasingly orange couches.



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WATCH: This Young Blonde SLUT Has Consensual Sex With A Guy! WHAT A WHOREY SLUTFACE!!!


What is your fucking problem, titles of videos? No one I'd ever associate with in my life would ever actually call people these things. And yeah, granted, they're appearing in filmed videos where they perform sex acts, but we're also seeking these videos out so we can masturbate to them, so who the fuck are we to judge?


If anything, we should be complimenting them for boldly providing us horny timids with content to watch discreetly. Maybe something more along the lines of, "Heroic Lady Courageously Helps Us Continue To Secretly Be Gross Animals."



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Wait a minute, is this how I'm supposed to act during sex? Just super emotionless and businesslike while my lady is making whiny siren noises start-to-finish? Because truthfully, I'm enjoying this quite a bit. Ehhh, better not let this girl I like know that she's causing me pleasure, she'd probably hate that.


Also, am I supposed to be a schlubby bald dude with jarringly pink skin? I did not realize that's what women have been after this whole time.