What I DO Think: Oh, come ON, computer - all I want to do is check my email. Why the HELL are you doing this to me? I treat you SO WELL. I mean, other than all that shit I spilled on you over the years and the way I constantly leave you on and always leave a ton of things running at once BUT THAT DOES NOT EXCUSE THIS. COME ON - I'm gonna shut you off, then turn you on again - MANUALLY. And no, I won't start in Safe Mode. THAT'LL teach you a lesson, you machine that has no emotions or ability to understand my rage.
What I SHOULD Think: Oh, I probably should get a new computer. Or, like, not have 50 tabs open at once. That might help.
What I DO Think: FUCK YOU BRAIN. WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST GET UP LIKE YOU KNEW YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO? I TOLD YOU LAST NIGHT TO GET ME UP AT 6:30. IT IS 9-GODDAMN-45 RIGHT NOW. I WOULD HAVE TOTALLY WENT TO BED EARLY TONIGHT TO MAKE UP FOR IT BUT NOW I'M FUCKED, THANKS ENTIRELY TO YOU!
What I SHOULD Think: Maybe I should have gone to bed at a decent hour last night. Or, like, not hit snooze on my phone alarm 12 times.
What I DO Think: You son of a bitch - the meat is the rarest and best part...and you just lost a delicious, juicy chunk of meat and THREW IT AWAY. I would have eaten it! But you didn't even ASK. You just tossed it away like it was NOTHING. I didn't even say SHIT when you skimped on the rice, and now THIS? You have made a grave enemy this day, you relentless shitlord.
What I SHOULD Think: Oh. That was about .5% of the entire burrito. Who cares.
What I DO Think: Oh, who does this asshole think he is? "Dad"? Fuck man, now I have to LISTEN to the message so I don't look like an asshole. Uggggh these are precious seconds I could be listening to a podcast you fucking technologically-ignorant CAVEMAN.
What I SHOULD Think: Oh, a :15 second message? Probably just saying to call him back, because he wants to talk to me, because he cares about me. I'll do that and just delete the voicemail.
What I DO Think: WHAT?! WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO SAY?! YOU CAN'T JUST START TYPING AND THEN WALK AWAY. YOU HAD SOMETHING. WHAT WAS IT? WAS IT A COMPLIMENT? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? A DARK SECRET YOU'VE NEVER TOLD ANYONE BEFORE? WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?
What I SHOULD Think: They probably started typing something but decided it was stupid. I do that literally 100 times a day.
What I DO Think: What's even the POINT? 30 SECONDS? That is an ETERNITY in internet time. I'll just reload this video over and over until it starts playing without an ad, even if that ends up taking more than 30 seconds, which it definitely will at this point.
What I SHOULD Think: If I have the time to watch specific scenes from Major League II on Youtube, I probably have 30 seconds to watch a Geico ad.
What I DO Think: JESUS. YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT THE REAL KEVIN HART, RIGHT? YOU KNOW KEVIN HART DOESN'T TWEET RELATABLE TEEN VINES, RIGHT? HOW COULD YOU BE SO FUCKING STUPID AS TO NOT REALIZE THAT? ARE YOU REALLY TRULY THAT IGNORANT YOU FUCKING IDIOT? THAT'S NOT WHAT PARODY MEANS - IT'S JUST A LOOPHOLE TO TRICK IDIOTS. IDIOTS LIKE YOU. YOU ARE ENABLING THEIR SHITTINESS.
What I SHOULD Think:
What I DO Think: You're just doing this to PUNISH me, aren't you Pandora? Just because I didn't wanna listen to the garbage music you tried to shove onto my Rolling Stones station and you noticed I took out my earbuds when you started playing your WAY TOO LOUD local Toyota ads. When FUCK YOU, Pandora - I'm not only gonna not listen to you for an hour, but I'm gonna do that thing where I actually remember to close a program on my phone and OH WOW why do I have Candy Crush open, I haven't played that in like 7 months. Anyways, that's besides the point, the point is (*swipe that shit upward*) GET FUCKED, PANDORA! For an hour. Then I'll reopen you
What I SHOULD Think: Oh wait, why the fuck am I using Pandora? (*opens Spotify*)