1. The Film Opens With 9/11


"You know what's really great? Airports! Because people hug there.

Speaking of airports: 9/11..."

That's the general sentiment given by Hugh Grant at the beginning of Love, Actually, a movie that was released in 2003, a time when airport travel was an even more hellish nightmare experience than it had been just a few years earlier. Why? Because of 9/11. Which Hugh Grant then uses as an example of how great love is.

When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around.

Here's the first rule of screenwriting: maybe don't start your romantic comedy movie by talking about 9/11. Yeah, I guess the people who were about to die didn't call anyone to insult them or anything mean, but that's because THEY WERE ABOUT TO BE MURDERED BY TERRORISTS. I don't want to equate someone knowing their life is about to end thanks to unthinkable acts of terrorism with Colin Firth wanting to bang his maid.


2. Billy Mack Isn't Sitting In the Beginning


Hey, there's an aging pop star, trying to record a bafflingly stupid cover song, and he's sitting - because, ya know, he's old and OH SHIT WHAT? HE'S NOT SITTING? THAT'S HOW HE STANDS?? For real though, Billy Mack is standing as if he's sitting and there's a chair directly behind him but HE'S NOT SITTING.


3. Apparently No One In the Keira Knightley Wedding Audience Noticed There Were 90 Absolute Strangers Sitting Next To Them Holding Trombones

"Oh, so who do you know? Neither the bride OR the groom? That's kinda weird. Also, what's with the tuba? This all feels REEEEAL suspicious."


4. Prime Minister Hugh Grant Severs The Relationship Between Great Britain and The United States Because Billy Bob Thornton Almost Kissed a Girl He Had a Crush On

Charmingly awkward British George Clooney, Hugh Grant, literally - and without notifying any of his staff or advisors - severs the diplomatic relationship between the USA and Great Britain. This is not a strategic move (although apparently Fake George Bush wasn't being very generous with Fake Tony Blair, or whoever Hugh Grant's supposed to be) - it's ENTIRELY motivated by the fact he walked in on Sling Blade trying to make the moves on a girl Hugh Grant liked. I dunno, just feels like instigating World War III right before Christmas because you're jealous is a bad political move.