Everybody Knows These Are the 7 Worst Poops
1. The Anus Scorcher
Eating anything drenched in hot buffalo sauce is a risky endeavor - for one, you're sweating A LOT in this bar and "greasy fingertips and sweaty pits" isn't the image you should be trying to project to that waitress who's TOTALLY flirting with you bro ;). But even worse, you just ingested a ticking timebomb that's gonna burn your ass like a donkey in fireplace in a matter of hours when you take the spiciest dump known to man. If you're lucky, you'll be in the comfort of your home by then, where you can moan in agony on the toilet like a civilized adult. If you're unlucky (or drank coffee right beforehand), you'll have to plop out those fiery turds in that same gross bar...like a phoenix, rising from the ashes of your anus.
2. The Post-Shower Turd
The precious minutes after you've showered are sacred - it's the cleanest you'll be ALL DAY LONG. But sometimes after you step out of the shower, butt-fate rears its ugly one-eyed head and you realize that NOW you have to take a shit. Now your immaculately clean, perfectly scrubbed body (well, except the legs, who actually scrubs the legs? Trickledown effect, baby) is ruined by the grossest, least clean thing that our body produces squeezing itself out of your bunghole, like a Sarlacc Pit vomiting. And that wonderful shower you just took was all for naught - because how can you possibly feel clean once you've squeezed a turd (of varying solidity) betwixt your buttcheeks?
3. The Mid-Erection
It's rare, but there are times when you got a big stupid boner AND have to poop at the same time, and you are reminded that our bodies are terrible and the different parts are pretty bad at communication (sorta like [YOUR COMPANY], am I right?). You sit down to take a shit, but now your dick won't dangle quietly above the bowl as the Lord intended - it's sticking out straight up 'n forward like an idiot. Any pee that comes out during this Turd Sesh is gonna miss the bowl and make you look like a straight-up fool. So before you can actually begin to The Crappening (take THAT, M. Night Shyamalan), you have to convince your stupid dick to stop being turned right now. That'll teach me to keep the Sears catalogue in the bathroom.
4. The Party Poop(er) [Ed. note: extremely good job with the title on this one]
You gather a larger-than-normal group of people in a single location with a single bathroom and you're basically asking for the worst kind of trouble: poop trouble. There's no good way to handle it - if you have to poop, you either take a quick unsatisfying shit for some brief relief, take a long fulfilling poop but get real self-conscious about hoggin' the bathroom and wondering if people can hear your poop-noises, or hold it 'til you get home, so that the whole party is a terrifying dance with the devil trying to hold off the nightmare beast rumbling in your bowels.
5. There's No TP
Just...shit. You sit there, pants around your ankles, looking pathetic as hell, staring at the empty toilet paper roll to your right. Best case scenario: you waddle to the closet down the hall where you keep the spare toilet paper, looking like a giant dumb penguin. Worst case scenario: you waddle to the closet and find out you are TOTALLY OUT OF TP and end up looking like a giant dumb penguin who's about to be out another t-shirt.
6. Started Life As a Fart
Doesn't matter if you're at work, with friends, or totally by yourself - you try to let out a quick fart and BAM! There's a wet shart on its way out and there's no getting it back inside intact. Your only option is to rush to the nearest bathroom and pray to god (who CANNOT EXIST if things like this are allowed to happen) the underwear damage is minimal.
7. Your Forgot Your Phone
Shitting with a phone? A fun treat - some alone time to catch up on Twitter and play some stupid games.
Shitting WITHOUT a phone? An existential nightmare - where you are left alone with nothing but your morbid thoughts, contemplating your own mortality as you recognize that the only thing in this universe that humanity actually MAKES is...shit. We're walking, talking poop factories, each and every one of us. That is our legacy on this Earth.
We like you. Do you like us too?