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The bar is just incredibly low for dogs - the things that get them treats in day-to-day life is stuff like "sitting", "rolling over" and "not shitting in the hallway for once." Meanwhile, the things that get ME treats is "paying for treats at the grocery store" and "finding an old piece of Halloween candy lodged between the cushions." Frankly, dogs got it VERY good, and I want in on that.

 

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Dogs are just ALLOWED to smell terrible, like, all the time. It's just "dog smell" and everyone gets used to it, and sometimes even enjoy the smell of a hairy gross dog that doesn't wipe its own butt. Really, dogs are only supposed to be bathed like once a week at most, otherwise they start to lose oils in their hair 'n stuff. Meanwhile I have to shower EVERY DAY? Bullshit. Gimme that dog life.

 

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Ever get into one of those endless inverse-debates with friends or significant others about what everyone wants to eat? It's ALWAYS "I don't care" or some variation thereof, even though it's a complete lie and everyone cares THE MOST about this. And then it's another 20 minutes of trying to think of random places to eat in the area until you can finally interrogate them into admitting what they ACTUALLY want - which happens to be the opposite of whatever it is you actually want. It's terrible.

But dogs? Oh man, dogs got it easy. What are they gonna eat for dinner? The exact same thing they've been eating for every meal forever. How are they gonna eat it? It's just gonna magically appear in a bowl and they're gonna slam their faces into it and chow down. Just mash their faces straight into their food and go to town.

 

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Imagine getting to shit in the middle of a walk. Instead of having to hold it in and rush home, you can just squat down, pinch out a loaf, and instead of having to worry about the shame of having pooped on the sidewalk, someone ELSE has to clean up your poop FOR YOU. And they're not doing you a favor even - THAT'S THE LAW. There's literally a law on the books that says other people HAVE to clean up your poop.

 

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Sorta like the poop thing, except no one cleans it up. But no one gives you any side eye either! You're just allowed to piss everywhere and everyone else just has to live with it. No more having to hold it in until you can find a Starbucks for YOU.

 

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Man, barking must be great. If you hear someone walking towards the door, dogs basically do the canine equivalent of shouting loud noises for no discernable reason. Wouldn't it be great for it to be socially acceptable for you to just scream real loud any time someone came near a door? I'd be all about that.

 

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How are people supposed to know when myself or others are legitimately happy or excited? Smiling doesn't cut it (can be faked), saying "I'm happy and/or excited" would be pretty awkward, and texting "(smiley face)" requires too much work. But dogs got it figured out - tails. Their tails serve pretty much no purpose these days, other than to tell people "I'm extremely pumped that you're home and going to give me a Beggin Strip." It'd be great to give people a clear reading of my emotional state at all times, without me having to really do anything.

 

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Oh, so DOGS are guaranteed access to eternal paradise but I have to go to church and stuff? BULLSHIT.