Beer: JESUS CHRIST, where the FUCK you guys BEEN?
Gin: Vodka and Whiskey are yelling at something. Rum is making out with somebody. I don’t even know where Tequila is.
Tequila: I am not afraid of you or the FUCKING POLICE. I HATE YOU.
Gin: Hey Tequila, this place is great, you having a good time?
Tequila: I LOVE YOU GIN. YOU ARE THE BEST. I just want to find some bitches and get my bone on, ALL FREAKY-NAUGHTY like.
Beer: Ha, yes! Let’s play some games or some shit! Let’s throw rocks at that one fag’s house! Let’s fucking go to or eat god damn what time is it I got to wake up early for court tomorrow but they can’t prove shit I WOULD LIKE TO SEE THEM PROVE SHIT REALLY I WOULD I WOULD BE IMPRESSED.
Vodka: WELL IF IT ISN’T THE FAG SQUAD. I went from zero to drunk in an hour flat, I think I broke a record I should get a trophy or SOME STRAIGHT DOME REAL QUICK COME ON WHO WANTS TO FUCK THE SENSITIVE GUY?
Gin: You aren’t sensitive.
Vodka: MY BALLS ARE.
Tequila: Holy shit I’m just LIVID right now I have to go hit on some women WAY OUT OF LEAGUE.
Vodka: God DAMNIT I have to go find some women and immediately LOWER THEIR SELF ESTEEM.
Vodka and Tequila leave. Rum enters.
Rum: I think I just fucked someone.
Beer: GOD DAMNIT EVERYONE’S FUCKING BUT ME this is bullshit man I’m hell of sleepy right now I’m going to go sleep on the kitchen counter
Gin: Right now that makes perfect sense to me
Rum: (Closes eyes and giggles for 30 seconds)
Gin: Man I have to call some old girlfriends well not technically girlfriends but I did meet them once. Right now this makes sense to me
Whiskey: Wouldn’t it be cool if…. We all wore hats?
Rum: I really WISH that did happen
Whiskey: Screw you, Rum! FUCK YOU.
Rum: Oh dang man now I have to go. I got to find Laura again.
Rum exits. In the background, you hear “my name isn’t Laura, you ass”
Gin: JANET. I would like to tell you that there are special things. You are a special thing. I know I told you I had to go to but I lied – Hello?
Whiskey leaves to find Beer. Beer is asleep wearing a colander as a helmet and the words BOOBLESS typed upside-down on a calculator next to him.
Whiskey: Damn Beer. YOU IN BAD SHAPE.
Beer: Wha… what. Hey, do you remember listening to the 2 Live Krew as a kid? Do you remember their cusses? Those cusses were the best, dog!
Whiskey: I NEED TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY PROBLEMS.
Beer: Oh no man we ain’t doing this.
Whiskey: SARAH WAS A WHORE MAN I SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT. I NEED TO DROWN MY SORROWS.
Beer: You can’t drown sorrows man they hella good swimmers.
Whiskey: Dang man we need to EGG her house and BREAK SOME WINDOWS AND SHIT. LIGHT A CROSS ON FIRE, I HATE PUERTO RICANS.
Beer: HELL YEAH, WE DOING THIS. GET IN THE CAR.
They jump into the car and peel out, scraping another as they leave. All that is heard is Beer pounding triumphantly on his chest, screaming “I AM A HOMEBOY”.