Everything's amazing when you're The Guy Who Drank Too Much But Doesn't Realize it Yet, but once the room starts spinning and chairs start pulling themselves out from under you, things take a turn for the worse. Now you're someone's project for the rest of the night, not to mention the butt of everyone's jokes, and the only thing more important than finding an acceptable drain to puke in is remembering to wipe the penis off your forehead whenever you wake up. Hey, at least you get to feel like complete shit for the next 48 hours!
Of course a car happens to be occupying your blind spot the ONE time you forget to check it before changing lanes. Of COURSE that would happen. Doesn't matter how safe you drive the other 99% of the time, or how many times you wave to the other driver in apology, all that matters is this: you made a stranger swerve slightly to the right for like 0.2 seconds ONE TIME so now you're a self-absorbed asshole who can't drive. End. Of. Story.
It's one thing to always be behind schedule, but if you show up 12 minutes late to a wedding just ONE time, is it really fair we make you tip-toe your way to a pew while everyone in the congregation judges you from afar? They don't know what you went through to get here. Maybe the stoplights were out. Maybe your GPS screwed up. Maybe, just maybe, one of like a BILLION other possibilities beyond your control just happened to play out that delayed your arrival even though you left in a timely fashion. Think any of THEM give a shit? Of course not. All they care about is having someone they can mock at the reception when there's nothing else to talk about. Love is pain.
You lose a game of cornhole, you gracefully admit defeat. You lose a game of flip cup, however, and heads will fucking roll. That's because games of flip cup aren't won, they're lost, and if you're the player on the losing team still flipping his or her cup when each round ends, guess what? You ARE the weakest link and you better believe you're going to hear ALL about it for every excruciating second until the next round begins. Oh well, surely you'll play better next round now you that you know your pride is on the line and everyone on your team will be scrutinizing every move you make, right?
Look, just because you're the only person at the Halloween party not wearing a costume does NOT mean you're a fun-hating socialist prude, okay? Can we please stop singling these people out? Maybe they genuinely didn't know or, ALSO PERFECTLY ACCEPATABLE, they just didn't feel like dressing up. Do we really need to take turns confronting them about it over and over, even after it's obvious they've already had the same conversation with like 12 different people? Is it really that much worse than unbuttoning one button on an outfit YOU'D PROBABLY BE WEARING ANYWAY and calling yourself a "sexy librarian?"
Can everyone please chill about this? First of all, the difference between perfectly cooked popcorn and inedible garbage is like TWO seconds in the microwave, and even if it weren't, it's not like you WANTED to burn the shit. How much good can a half-hour of snide comments about the horrible smell really hope to accomplish? Hmm, maybe next time you should, I don't know...NOT BURN THE SHIT OUT IT? Does that about sum up what everyone in the office was about to say? Solid advice, gang! I suppose you think I should probably stop getting off the elevator on the wrong floor every 2-3 months too!