Facebook fights are never-ending spirals of the same nonsense being tossed back and forth for far too long. Based on my experience, I've compiled some surefire ways to OWN in that Facebook fight about politics, religion, gender dynamics, or which Fast and the Furious movies are better. It should be noted that by "OWN," I mean "BE THE MOST ANNOYING COMMENTER EVER."

 

1 End every comment with and whoever doesnt understand that needs to grow up and get a life

The most annoying part about Facebook fights is that you constantly read inflection and tone into everyone's comments even when they didn't mean to put it there. However with this ending line, people will know that not only are you angry and serious, you are done listening to anyone else's side of the argument. They'll also know that you still use the phrase "get a life".

 The more entertaining option: Post memes of celebrities falling down after each comment!

 

2 Use the word also at the beginning of every sentence

This is the Internet version of someone who never takes a breath when speaking. So many ideas, so many counterarguments, and so much fear that they won't be able to say everything they want to say in one comment thread. John Mayer put it best, "say what you need to say," not everything that comes to your head, annoying commenter.

The more entertaining option: Use EMOJIS at the start, end, and middle of every sentence!

 

3 Quote other peoples comments out of context

 Everyone loves getting their comments twisted around and picked apart word by word! Granted, it is acceptable in mature, intellectual discourse to use someone's prior argument as a starting place for your opposing viewpoint. However, what makes this annoying in a Facebook fight is when people take comments completely out of context and use that to say people are dumb and stupid.

The more entertaining option: Repost somebody's comment but replace every other word with the word "cat".

 

4 USE ALL CAPS TO REALLY PROVE YOUR POINT

 DOES THIS MAKE IT SEEM LIKE I'M YELLING?!?!?!?!?! AM I WINNING THIS YET?!?!?!?! VIN DIESEL DID THE BEST ACTING OF HIS CAREER IN THE LAST 30 SECONDS OF TOKYO DRIFT, YOU FOOL!!!!!!!!!

The more entertaining option: Comment in a completely different language or better yet, use the font 'Wingdings'.

 

5 Constantly say, I wish I could dislike your last comment

 We all wish there was a dislike button on Facebook. It would make engagement announcements much easier to handle for the exes of the world, but unfortunately there's not. Constantly pointing out the nonexistent dislike button is just obnoxious. If you dislike it, then just don't 'like' it.

The more entertaining option: Post pictures of Mark Zuckerberg giving thumbs up!

 

6 Use the phrase dont get your panties in a twist

 A very snarky response to someone getting angry with you is to say, "don't get your panties in a twist." It's also a quick way to turn the Facebook fight into the equivalent of a slap fight: meaningless and frustrating for your hands.

 The more entertaining option: Post a picture of Jesse Eisenberg giving thumbs up!

 

7 Start every comment with Im sorry, but

The person who starts every comment with "I'm sorry, but...." is never actually sorry! If Pinocchio were writing those comments, his nose would have cracked the screen already from the amount of false sincerity.

The more entertaining option: Comment with the music video to Ruben Studdard's hit single, "Sorry for 2004."

 

8 Use big words that you, yourself, dont even know

The wordsmith commenter! The one who says something like, "Not to be a sesquipedalian, but I was the only one to excogitate the deleterious argument at hand, you polemicists." Years from now, scholars will talk about the ancient Facebook fighting technique of using every five-syllable word in the English language in comments. I'm sure a lot of people are proud of your vocabulary, Big Word McGee, but you're annoying.

The more entertaining option: Only use phrases you've found on urbandictionary.com.

 

 

And finally the best method for dealing with a Facebook fight: DON'T ENGAGE! Unless it is legitimately about which Fast and Furious movie is best. In which case, it's Fast and Furious 6. No question. Feel free to debate me.