Sorry this is more like The Evening After. It's midterms time. And I'm lazy.
I'll just get right to it. It's still Dedications Week, so. That's great.
1. Gina Glocksen dedicated to her boyfriend, Joe "Alone"
Me: Her dress is too tight on her shoulders. This song suits her personality. It was meh, but it suited her. She looks pretty -er than usual.
Randy: This song was a song choice for you. I think that's where you really belong.
Paula: Excellent job, really good.
Simon: I thought your vocals felt very forced at the end. I'm still kind of confused as to who you are, though. I thought, to be honest, when we put you through, that you were a little bit more edgy than this.
2. Alaina Alexander dedicated to her mom "Not Ready to Make Nice"
Me: Oh good, her mom is crying, too. Geez, Alaina, quit breathing so loud. Ew, bad note at the end of the chorus. Her dress is adorable. I hope she NEVER has to go to college. She's pitchy as hell, though.
Randy: It started off good, the first coupla bars were good. When you went up for the chorus, the tuning and the pitch just went away. It was a mess for me. It was all over the place.
Paula: It's a hard song to sing. The pitch was a little bit off.
Simon: Let me put this in plain English: It was like Randy taking part in a 100-meter sprint. Three-fourths of the way through the race, he would run out of steam, and that's what happened.
3. LaKisha Jones dedicated to Grandma Ruth "Midnight Train to Georgia"
Me: Holy hell. Grandma Ruth is 90 but she looks about 55. Wow. Okay, I hate her eyeshadow, but her voice is divine. I want her to sing me to sleep every night. I hope when I die and go to heaven, the heavenly choir is comprised entirely of LaKisha Jones angels singing gospel lullabyes. I want to steal her voice and keep it in a seashell around my neck.
Randy: That was- man, forget the nerves. You got that big ol' voice, man. That was hot!
Paula: You gotta remember, you're black person face LaKISHA! WOO-WOO! end black person face I love it. And I love you.
Simon: You have a phenomenally good voice. I think, at this stage, you can afford to predict that you're gonna be a big star, and you've gotta start acting like a big star now.
4. Melina Dolittle dedicated to her "gay-ulls" "My Funny Valentine"
Me: Oh. My. God. She deserves to win. Her voice sounds like velvety smooth cello honey butter. God, she is amazing. This is easily the best version of this song I've ever heard.
Randy: Melinda Dolittle came out here tonight to win it! That was unbelievable. Yo, that was hot, man. Wow.
Paula: You phrased that song so brilliantly, so differently, so out of this world I applaud you.
Simon: That was incredible. What I like about you -because we've had some precocious little monsters on this show with very little talent and enormous egos- and you have this fantastic talent, great voice, and you don't know how good you are, and I don't think you'd change if you did well. You're a breath of fresh air, and it was a fantastic performance.
5. Antonella Barba dedicated to her brother, Vincenzo "Because You Loved Me"
Me: She would have a brother named Vincenzo. Then again, my brother's name is Vinnie, too, so maybe I should shut up. Maybe Antonella should shut up, too. She is the worst singer ever. Ever. Oh God, her mom (maybe?) is mouthing the words along with her. This arrangement is really fast to compensate for Antonella's inability to sustain notes. But you can still tell she sucks. I wish she would unwittingly cross the bridge that Sundance guards, and I wish that he would demand a toll of, like, a quart of Rita's Italian Ice, and Antonella wouldn't have it because it's winter and Rita's is closed, and then I wish that Sundance would cook her for dinner in his troll stew because she couldn't pay. I do love her shoes, though.
Randy: On the positive side, you're a drop-dead gorgeous girl. That song was the wrong choice. Way too big for you, pitch was all over the place. I wish I could sing like Celine, too, but I can't.
Paula: Less than 1% of the population can sing like Celine. Having said that, Antonella, I think you made leaps and bounds from last week.
Simon: I thought you were worse than last week.
Antonella: I'm gonna listen to Paula's criticism, cause Simon was wrong about Jennifer Hudson.
Me: Antonella, you will not be winning any awards for anything except perhaps looking really good in a retro-print minidress.
6. Jordin Sparks dedicated to her brother PJ "Reflections"
Me: She's not that great on this song. I know she's young, but Christina Aguielara was only 19 when she recorded it, and she sounds a lot less breathy. Of course, she also wasn't crying at the time. Jordin has great control over her voice, though, even through the sobbing.
Randy: 17 years old, where you are today, is just unbelievable as a record producer. I am just so, so impressed with where you are and the ability you have, so, it wasn't the best you've done, but it was still really good.
Paula: There's something about you that's infectious. You just know that you're a good human being. You are a brilliant, talented girl.
Simon: It wasn't your best, but compared to a lot of other people, it was excellent. I think your dedications are probably getting to you, but you did very well.
7. Stephanie Edwards dedicated to her mom and dad "Dangerously in Love"
Me: I like: her voice. I hate: her dress, her hair with her dress, this song, her earrings.
Randy: You proved that you should be up here. You did SO much better than last week, and you did well last week. But check this out: it's a little "Beyonce Lite."
Paula: I think you were fantastic, brilliant, and so many people are in love with Beyonce. I think so many people are going to be in love with Stephanie Edwards.
Simon: I have to agree with Paula. Because you're not just taking part in this competition, you're coming out here, putting your mark down. I thought it was a terrific performance, Steph.
8. Leslie Hunt dedicated to her dead grandpa, Bob "I'm Feelin' Good"
Me: I hate to say this, but A.J. did it way better. This weird-faced overgrown Cabbage Patch Doll is outta here. Stop scatting, you horrible, pumpkin-haired, giant child.
Randy: I don't know, it was just alright for me. I'm happy to see her turn back to her jazz thing, though.
Paula: I love that you're being you.
Simon: Paula liked it because that bit at the end sounded like Paula judging the show: "blee doo blop blah de bloop." The problem is, Les, that you've just been whacked by three or four BIG voices before you, so I think you're getting lost in this competition.
9. Haley Scarnato dedicated to her fiancee, Bobby "Queen of the Night"
Me: She is SUCH a butterface! This song is lame. It's all "I'm so fun and naughty" but really she's probably neither. She would look awesome if she were beheaded.
Randy: It wasn't great for me. Vocally it just wasn't on point.
Paula: I wanna say, leaps and bounds better than last week, and we get to see your personality a lot better.
Simon: I think it was A for effort. It was a little manic, verging on insane, at one point, and I think you are one of two or three very vulnerable girls tonight.
10. Sabrina Sloane dedicated to her grandmother (who wears giant hats) "All the Man That I Need"
Me: Her hair looks a lot better tonight. Her voice has a nice tone, but I think last week was better. It was less screamy.
Randy: Very nice, overall.
Paula: I just love you, you are fantastic, you are a big contender in the competition.
Simon: Very good. Don't confuse power with shouting, though. I preferred you last week. I thought you were better, younger, more refreshing. But you'll be back next week.
Me: Simon and I always agree.
In like two hours: Eliminations!