After 1 Minute: Ahh, time to absorb some culture. Why don't I go to art museums more often? This is gonna be great.
5 Minutes: I'm gonna read the plaque on this painting. [Reads it] Interesting!
7 Minutes: Whoops, just read another plaque but totally wasn't paying attention. Ahh whatever, got the gist of it. Some shit about Denmark. Art is great.10 Minutes: Uhoh, the museum guy in the blazer is watching me -- better look at this painting for a longer amount of time so he knows I'm really appreciating it. Couple more seconds. Was that long enough? I'm gonna squint at it for onnnne more second to be safe. There we go. Better nod my head to let him know I really got it.
15 Minutes: Look at those people walking through the museum FASTER than me. Philistines! You don't know anything about appreciating art.
16 Minutes: Look at those people walking through the museum SLOWER than me. What a bunch of pretentious losers.
20 Minutes: Just saw a Jackson Pollock painting from a distance and said out loud "That's gotta be a Jackson Pollock" then looked at the plaque and then went "Yep." I hope people heard that. If people know I can sometimes pick out Pollocks and Monets they'll be like, "WHOA. You appreciate art, like, the best."
23 Minutes: Just overheard some dad make a joke about how "anyone could paint this thing." Ughhh, shut up, dude. You don't get it.
25 Minutes: I just made a joke about a painting but mine was great.
30 Minutes: All my friends are three rooms ahead of me, but so what? I'll appreciate this art at my OWN pace.
35 Minutes: Actually I'm gonna go catch up with my friends. But I'll make sure to look at the paintings as I blow through these rooms. Yeahyeahyeah "The 19th Century" got it.
40 Minutes: Ahhhhhh shit. Just wandered into some new exhibit. This is gonna cost me valuable time I could've spent looking at good things. Oh god, it's called "Solipsis: On man, mind, and the coquettishness of think." Knew I should've turned left.
42 Minutes: Now there's a wall of 60s tv sets showing looped footage of caged baby chicks set to Dixieland Jazz. How do I get back to the good art?? I can't just turn around and leave or people will think I don't get it. I get it!! Should I yell "I get it!" then leave? Better just plow through this thing and look affected.
57 Minutes: Ahhhh my feet are KILLING me. Gonna sit on this bench and check my phone but pretend I'm looking at that bigger painting across the room.
57.2 Minutes: My phone is so much better than everything.
66 Minutes: Alright, back to this stuff I came to see. "Sculptures"? Sure fine ow ow ow my feet hurttttt PAY ATTENTION TO THE ART YOU'RE HERE FOR THE ART APPRECIATE ITTTTT ow owwww good sculptures OWWWWWWWW.
72 Minutes: Haven't read a plaque in a while. Guess I'll read this one. "Greece - circa 7th-8th century." Great. Awesome.
75 Minutes: AHHhhHHHHHHH now my back hurts. I quit. I quit this museum. And life. No more standing ever.
78 Minutes: Oh COME ON you wuss, get through this, these artists spent YEARS sculpting and painting these artifacts of culture, and you can't stay standing for one more half hour? If you can't appreciate the greatest art ever made, will you ever enjoy anything ever again?
80 Minutes: All that stuff I said is true but I'm sitting back down. But I'll keep thinking about the paintings while I'm sitting, so I'm still, like, museuming, technically.
85 Minutes: Man, phones rule. So does sitting down. This is the best. In a way, isn't this the true art? Like, now art is phones? It really kind of is. Has anyone considered this yet? Maybe I should go to grad school for Art. Like, Art Theory, I mean, not actually painting and shit. I'll bet you get to sit down SO MUCH in grad school.
90 Minutes: [Glances at one floor of the museum while gliding past it on an escalator] Cool photography, done with this floor.
95 Minutes: [Goes to bathroom on next floor] Cool, done with 'Charcoals and Manuscripts'.
105 Minutes: [In Gift Shop] I should buy something arty for my apartment. [Glances at the price of first thing in the store] Nah. The experience was the real gift.
108 Minutes: Well that should do it. How long was I here? Like four hours? Probably. Man, that's a lot of art, even for a big time art aficionado like myself. "Art-ficianado" would be a good nickname for me. How can I get people to call me that? I love art.
110 Minutes: Ahh, outside. Where places to sit and phones are plentiful. This is a magical wonderland! I'm gonna order some food with my phone then eat it while sitting down and streaming a show on my phone. Watching episodes of things is like a bunch of paintings going by at once! I just can't get enough art, apparently. Friggin' ART Garfunkel over here.
150 Minutes: That was great. Why don't I go to museums more often?
Illustrations by Amir Khan.