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I don't care who you are (Ryan Gosling, James Dean, Lion-O, the leader of the Thundercats) it's impossible to look cool while your nose is bleeding. I dunno who decided that nosebleeds should be the universal sign for "whiney, impotent nerdlinger", but that's the world we live in so I, like countless others, have to live my life in fear that my body will randomly malfunction and make me look like I'm seconds away from pulling my pants above my waist and asking "Did I do that?" No matter how you slice it, nosebleeds are embarrassing. This sucks, particularly because...


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Not to get too technical here, but, medically speaking, the nose is in the dead-ass center of your face. It is very visible to everyone around you, particularly when it's spewing bright crimson goo. Best case scenario, you catch it before anyone notices and have to explain to coworkers why you're walking around the office with a tissue over your face, like a goon. Worst case scenario, someone actually sees the blood and they immediately freak the fuck out because...


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I can't speak for everyone, but for me, nosebleeds are the result of fluctuating humidity in the air. Whereas other people's bodies might react with a dry patch or some frizzy hair, mine starts to leak. Unfortunately, no matter how many times I explain this to people, everyone's immediate reaction to my nosebleeds is "HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS DUDE IS DYING!" Whenever I get one, everybody around me feels the need to play doctor which, while nice, is also INCREDIBLY annoying. What's worse is that everyone on earth apparently has their own home remedy for dealing with nosebleeds and I get to hear them all.  (For the record, none of them work...)


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God made a lot of dumb mistakes when designing the human body, but one of his biggest boners has to be his inclusion of the hole that leads from nose to the back of the throat. I'm sure it has some biological function (breathing or some shit) but it's brought me nothing but strife. Don't let the name fool you: The blood from a bloody nose is not limited to the nose. Waiting for my nose to stop bleeding entails choking down glob after salty glob of the blood that drips down my sinuses, and into my mouth. Not only is it disgusting, but it also affords me the fun experience of feeling like I'm juuuuust on the brink of drowning on my own bodily fluids. It's exactly as unpleasant as it sounds.


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Nosebleeds are kind of like earthquakes: You never know if what you just experienced is the main event or just the foreshock. Once your nose finally stops bleeding, there's no telling what could happen to trigger a relapse. Basically, you gotta treat your face like a delicate flower for an uncomfortably long amount of time. Do something seemingly innocuous like, I dunno, trying to clean the gross, dry blood off your face, and it might be enough to start the whole thing over again.