1 Humming the Chorus to That Song I Heard 12 Hours Ago

Sleep's important, don't get me wrong. But when it comes to either getting enough of it to wake up feeling rested or singing eight seconds of a song I hate over and over until I want to kill myself, my brain will take the latter every single time, thank you very much. Just a little thing my brain likes to call "priorities." Ever heard of them?

2 Finding Out EXACTLY How Much I Have to Squint My Eyes to Make the Room Go Completely Dark

Your brain probably thinks sleep is supposed to start the moment you lay down on the bed, but not mine. No sir, when my brain realizes it's lying in a comfortable bed in a dark room, it sees this not as a sign it's time to harvest some of the much-needed rest it needs to function but as an opportunity to TEST THE VERY LAWS OF REALITY.

First up? Filtering out any trace of light while still keeping my eyes at least partially open. Test two? Cupping my hands over my ears until the box fan LITERALLY transforms into my own personal synthesizer. Bravo, brain. That's one small step for man, one giant leap for making sure I wake up miserable six hours from now.

3 Ranking Every Movie and TV Show Ever Made For No Particular Reason

Nobody asked my brain to become the world's leading authority on entertainment hierarchy, it just did it all on its own. YOU'RE WELCOME, people whose brains are too lazy to expend anywhere near the amount of mental energy my mind devotes toward this activity every single night. Thanks to it, we now know for a fact that What About Bob? is objectively better than The Great Outdoors and that's NEVER going to change.

Or wait, was it the other way around? Let me get back to you on that.

4 Coming Up With the PERFECT Response For That Conversation That Ended Five Hours Ago

Some people worry about thinking of witty things to say to each other in the moment, as in when the conversation is still actually taking place. SUCKERS! The way my brain sees it, it's better to just awkwardly stumble your way through those interactions then revisit them later, usually between the hours of 1 a.m. and 3 a.m. when you have nothing better to do anyway. It's like, work smarter not harder people!

Sure, my brain could wait until tomorrow to Google "Hitler's dog's name" but what if a radio station calls to ask me that very question before I get a chance and I miss out on some kick ass concert tickets? I mean, who could sleep at a time like this?

6 Remembering Where I Left My Wallet That Time I Lost it Six Years Ago

Of course! The laundry room! I took it out of my pants right before I washed them then I just tossed it somewhere! It must have fallen behind the dryer or something. Doesn't do me much good now that I've already replaced all my cards and moved three times but still! How many burning life mysteries does YOUR brain spontaneously solve at 4 a.m. on a weeknight?

Hmm, I never did check now that you mention it, brain. In fact, I hadn't even thought about it until now to be honest. So is there something I should do with this information now that you've brought it to my attention or...no? Just something you felt like mentioning RIGHT NOW, smack dab in the middle of the only block of time I ever ask you to be quiet from one day to the next? DULY NOTED.    

7 Worrying About Whether That Girl I Waved at Earlier Was Actually Waving at Me or Someone Behind Me

Whoa, let's just take a step back there, brain. First of all, you know absolutely nothing about cancer and secondly, even if you did you STILL wouldn't be qualified to make an official diagnosis or anything. So what's the point of even having this conversation? You know, I'm starting to think these random nightly tangents you go on might not be in our best interest. In fact, I'm starting to think they may actually do more harm than good!

Brains are assholes.