Granted, not the ideal way to watch a movie, but people do tend to dick around on their phones when they're on the john these days and the sounds are practically indistinguishable from those of a demon-possessed teenage girl wailing in anguish. If I had to guess, I'd say specifically they're watching the projectile vomit scene, in slow motion, with the sound on full blast. On repeat.

2 Someones trying to squat 500 pounds with no spotter

How they managed to sneak a barbell and ten 45-lb plates into a bathroom stall with no one noticing is beyond me, but I'll be damned if those aren't the exact same moans you hear every time you walk by the free weight section of your local gym. Maybe this person is just a multi-tasker who wants to stay fit but is EXTREMELY pressed for time. Wait what was THAT? Ohhh they must have just dropped one of their weights into the toilet. Klutz!

You'd figure if a zombie outbreak was ongoing I'd have already heard about it but hey, these things have to start somewhere right? I'm not stupid. I've seen The Walking Dead. I know the sound of a corpse reanimating itself when I hear it. Either way, it's pretty clear whoever's in that stall is beyond saving and the best course of action from here is to just open the door and shoot them point blank in the head. It's the only humane thing to do.

4 The CIA is waterboarding Andre the Giant

I'm not saying Andre the Giant came back from the dead. Don't be ridiculous. The notion I AM entertaining, however, is that maybe Andre the Giant faked his death, possibly because he was secretly a French spy this entire time, and that his years of presumably AMAZING espionage have finally caught up to him, as evidenced by the baritone grumbles and intermittent gargling sounds currently filling my eardrums. Why the CIA chose the handicap stall of an office bathroom in the middle of a workday to conduct the interrogation I couldn't tell you but then again, that's classified anyway isn't it?

5 Irritable Bowel Syndrome

That's a thing right? I hear it on commercials all the time. Well if it IS a thing, this must be what it sounds like, right? Heck, I don't know. Zombies? Spies? Maybe there's a more plausible explanation for this. Something a little more realistic for a suburban working class American to experience at 10 a.m. on a Monday. Ohhhhh wait. There it is. . Yup, screw the noises. I'd know that smell anywhere. 


'Nuff said.