1. Why does Jason Biggs literally fuck a pie in the kitchen instead of at least going to his room (and locking the door)?

After Jason Biggs is told that third base feels like 'warm apple pie' from his friend/shoobiedoobiedoowop-guy Oz, he does what any normal human would do: he literally sticks his dick into a pie. IN THE KITCHEN. ON TOP OF A COUNTER (in the Unrated version at least - in the theatrical version, Jim's standing up and fucking the pie against the counter). The instant he sees a warm apple pie, without thinking for a single second, he just jams his dick into it. He doesn't take the precaution of going to his room or the bathroom - or ANY room that isn't on the ground floor, with windows everywhere, and non-locking doors. He doesn't bother trying to be discrete in the kitchen - he just drops his cargo shorts, hops ONTO the kitchen island, and jams his dick through the pie crust. He got in the most visible location in the most easily accessible room in the house and fucked a pie.

Hell, you wouldn't REGULAR masturbate in the kitchen, why the hell would you fuck a pie in the most "someone is definitely going to catch me here" room in the house?!

Really, if you're going to fuck your mom's pie, at least do the rest of your family the courtesy of taking it to a private place. But also don't fuck a delicious pie, you idiot. That pie looked so good and you ruined it. Just jack off like a normal person, or at least fuck a less delicious pie, like rhubarb.

 

2. Whoa, HOW HARD DID JASON BIGGS FUCK THAT PIE?

It's not enough that Jason Biggs stuck his dick in a pie in the middle of the kitchen, he basically fucked it to death. Dude, is that how you're approaching sex? You're going to demolish someone's pelvis, you creepy-ass piefucker.

 

3. Why is Jim masturbating into the longest tube sock possible?

Use, like, a slightly more normal-sized sock, dude. Or some tissue? Toilet paper? Anything other than the longest sock ever that's totally going to be ridiculously obvious hanging off your dick when your mom walks in BECAUSE YOU NEVER LOCK YOUR DOOR.

Also, get a working remote or at least don't have the volume jacked all the way up when you're trying to watch scrambled porn at like 9 pm while your parents are still up. Christ.

 

4. Why does Finch having diarrhea make him completely unfuckable?

Finch manages to become the most desired pale weirdo in high school by getting Natasha Lyonne to spread rumors about how huge his dick was and how awesome he was at sex. And it somehow works! Everyone wants to fuck him, since I guess Natasha Lyonne is just that trustworthy in the world of American Pie. But then everything goes wrong - Stifler sneaks some laxatives into Finch's coffee and lures him to the girl's bathroom, where he has explosive diarrhea. Everyone laughs at him for his loud poops, and he is thus rendered unfuckable.

Except...what? Listen, if your rep was the James Deen of high school, it would take a lot more than some loud pooping to completely mess that up. Everyone poops, and by the time you're a high school senior, it isn't THAT crazy that someone has diarrhea at some point. Even if a few people snickered at him, it wouldn't remove ALL fuckability from him so absolutely and completely.

Well, at least he got revenge on Stifler by having sex with his mom! (which seems like an extreme response to "you made me poop" but whatever)