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This summer, you were going to get some reading done, remember? You were going to read the classics:
Pride and Prejudice, The Great Gatsby, The Grapes of Wrath. You were going to savor every page and digest man's greatest gifts to human thought. Let's take a look at what you've actually read this summer, so far.

 

You've Read:

  • Every article your ex has posted on Facebook

  • The first 10 pages you could download for free of Gone Girl and then you watched the movie on HBO

  • Time Magazine (Tweets Only)

  • NYTimes (Tweets Only)

  • US Weekly

  • There was a Harry Potter marathon on ABC Family and you're counting that

  • Every old text message from your ex (three times)

  • Crime and Punishment-amount of YouTube comments

  • Collected Works of William Shakespeare-amount of Facebook arguments

  • Encyclopedia Britannica-amount of Emojis


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  • The ingredients to your toothpaste (on toilet)

  • The ingredients to your shampoo (on toilet)

  • The ingredients to your hand soap (on toilet)

  • The warning label to your hair dryer (on toilet--seriously, either get a magazine in there or eat better)

  • Wikipedia page about Rabbits

  • Wikipedia page about North American Animals That Live in Holes

  • Wikipedia page about Buttholes

  • Wikipedia page about Nazis

  • Wikipedia page about Normandy

  • Wikipedia page about Buttholes at Normandy

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  • One of your ex's tweets that is just a cryptic movie quote from Before Midnight (you've read that tweet a million times)

  • The first eight pages of Ta-Nehisi Coate's Between the World and Me

  • The first two paragraphs of a thinkpiece about Ta-Nehisi Coate's Between the World and Me

  • Half of a Facebook post loosely-related to Ta-Nehisi Coate's Between the World and Me

  • Just the title of a Vice article about ObamaCare (that you've since mentioned in 18 conversations)

  • Your cell phone's calls log with your ex

  • The back of Reese's Puff's cereal box (during breakfast)

  • The back of Reese's Puff's cereal box (on toilet)

  • That one email about improving your sex life you didn't realize was spam (you swear)

  • That one email from President Obama you thought was actually a personal email to you (it could happen)

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  • All of the possible outcomes to the quiz, "Which Disney Prince Are You?"

 

  • All of the possible outcomes to the quiz, "Which Disney Princess Are You?" 

 

  • All of the possible outcomes to the quiz, "Which Disney Villain Are You?"

 

  • All of the possible outcomes to the quiz, "Which Disney Theme Park Ride Are You?"

 

  • All of the possible outcomes to the quiz, "Does your ex still love you?"

 

  • All of the possible outcomes to the quiz, "Which Disney Song Is Your Dog?"

 

  • The article, "You won't believe these 10 celebrities have great bodies" (pictures only)

 

  • Every Bed Bath and Beyond email forwarded to you by your Mom

 

  • Every email from your Dad of pictures of dogs in bathtubs

 

  • Every email from your ex

 

  • All of your ex's emails (Oops, looks like you do still have the password)

 

  • All of your ex's mail

 

  • All of your ex's diaries

 

  • All of your ex's private medical records

 

  • This Article (which provides no insight into anything about your ex, we swear.)