Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
7 Steps To Hacking the Chipotle Menu To Get WAY Bigger Burritos
August 21, 2015
This secret Chipotle code ("two burritos") will increase your burrito mass by 100%! You'll have to pay double what you would normally pay in the end, but it's WORTH IT, because apparently one regular burrito from Chipotle isn't enough for you.
As the old saying goes, "Getting 15% more rice volume than usual is what good burritos are all about!"
After all, you're not some fucking asshole dickweed who's trying to "game" Chipotle to get like 10 additional beans for free, at the expense of exhausting the weary employees and the 12 people behind you in line. You know that a regular Chipotle burrito is a good amount of food, and your "hacks" are just you testing the patience of everyone around you in order to get an imperceptible increase in your food mass.
end result will be a mix of completely different, not-entirely-compatible flavors that will taste far worse than if you had just ordered one meat option, but at least it'll
more, which is the important thing. Note that you'll have to pay, like, $8 more (per burrito), because that's how commerce works.
AKA the "This Is How Consumerism Works In a Capitalistic Economy" hack.
By the end, the burritos will be overstuffed to the point that none of them can be rolled up into anything resembli
a burrito. The line will be held up for an additional 10 minutes while the poor employees are stuck trying to figure out a way to get all of the ingredients to hold together in (at least) 4 tortillas. It's going to cost a lot more - but at least you'll get 300% MORE BURRITO (in terms of density)! Who cares if the employees serving you and literally everyone behind you think you're a complete piece of shit so concerned about a slight increase in burrito mass that you're willing to throw away any pretense of decency?
By that, we mean enjoy your mishmash of ingredients that sorta resembles a burrito, most of which you'll throw away anyhow because it's just
way too much food
and a normal burrito would have been totally enough (and would have tasted a lot better than combining literally every possible ingredient just to maximize the amount of food you were eating).
But hey, now at least your post-Chipotle poop will be even more painful than usual!
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