Movie Remakes

OH NO! They're remaking Snow Dogs! :( :( Kill my 7-year-old self!!

Shh, shut up, you baby. You're going to be fine. You can still enjoy the 2002 original starring Cuba Gooding Jr. and a couple of wild dogs who love the snow. This new one didn't erase the old version from history, so you can still pop the movie into your VHS player and shut up for an hour and a half.

 

Bands breaking up

BUT I LIKE BLINK 182!!! CHILDHOOD OVER!!! 

If you're being completely honest with yourself, you liked 2 or 3 albums out of the band's entire discography and couldn't care less about the newest songs. If you did care about their entire discography, maybe you should just be happy they made those songs and will probably start a new, worse band. Kind of like how your dad has a new, worse family.

 

Sex Joke in a Cartoon

OMG!!! IF YOU LOOK AT THE STARS IN ALADDIN THEY SPELL OUT "JIZZBUTT!!!!"

So what? Adults made a cartoon, there is going to be a tiny adult joke in there, you baby. It wasn't a pivotal plot point - in fact, it's not a plot point at all. You can still like the movie, or hate it now, who cares? You're an adult, stop watching that stuff anyways.

 

Couple Breaks Up

LOVE IS DEAD AND SO IS MY CHILDHOOD!!

Okay, Kevin Spacey and Jennifer Aniston were never together, but IF THEY DID, COME ON, TALK ABOUT POWER COUPLE, BABY. Their relationship didn't affect you in the slightest. You saw them once a year together at award shows or in a crappy magazine that says mean things about people.

 

Actor Getting Arrested

LINDSAY LOHAN? JAIL? WAT? GOD R U REAL? I WISH I WAS IN HEAVEN - TAKE ME GOD.

The world is weird as it is, so when a kid is growing up in front of a camera it only gets weirder. You can't be shocked when the 24-year-old version of a kid you saw play twins with herself goes to jail for a DUI. Even then, they weren't that good of actors, probably.

 

Shitty Fan Fiction

OH GOD! I WISH I SUICIDED MYSELF WHEN I WAS 5 :( CLARISSA AND ELVIS BANGING?!

You're surfing the web for some classic 90's nostalgia shows like Clarissa Explain It All, then all of a sudden you come across some erotic fan fiction... Clarissa from Clarissa Explains It All and her pet alligator, Elvis got together for one romantic night. He was anthropomorphic in this one instance, ya know, so they could bang and he wouldn't eat her.

You know what didn't happen in the actual show? ANY of that.

 

Weird Hentai Cartoon Porn

DOUG?????? WHY ARE YOU NAKED??? SKEETER??? IS THAT YOU???? OH NO

Thanks to Rule 34, if something exists there is a porn parody of it. That includes every single cartoon you can think of. You're going to have to get used to it, you oversized baby!

 

Animal Movie Stars Dying

AIRBUD IS DEAD. HE HAD CANCER AND HAD ONE OF HIS LEGS AMPUTATED.

OKAY THIS ONE IS SUPER MEGA SAD BUT ONLY BECAUSE HE'S A DOG.