Y'know how you always make fun of your parents for getting actors' names wrong and sharing stupid low-res Facebook memes about life being a gift and shit? Well guess what: You're gonna be calling them about twice a day during the car-buying process because, it turns out, you don't know SHIT about cars, or how much they're supposed to cost, or how to even BEGIN going about buying one.


Remember the first time you had to buy a bed? And you had to call your mom because you're an itty bitty widdle child who doesn't know if beds are supposed to cost $250 or $5,000? Imagine that only it's 10 times as expensive and there's 600 brands you've heard of but know nothing about and 'used' beds and buying the wrong one might screw you for a decade.


YOU KNOW NOTHING. How are you even allowed to be an adult?? Are you ever going to know what's going on, or just be like this the rest of your life? (Answer: everyone is the latter)


2 Half of the salespeople are literally


I once had a car salesman who was returning my call begin a phone conversation by saying "Danny! Baby! How's it hangin' bud?"


NO ONE ACTUALLY TALKS LIKE THAT, car salesman guy! You are an absurd stereotype of a car salesman who walked out of a cartoon and either doesn't realize you sound like that or (even worse) believes that's how actual chummy humans interact with one another.


I also once had a saleswoman, after I told her the price that the manager quoted me, sigh VERY loudly and go "Hooo, boy, I'm takin' a bath on this." NO YOU'RE NOT. You're a character in some crappy sketch that's about to start any minute.


You'd think car salemen would go out of their way to NOT be the sleazy shiester types you expect them to be, but in reality like half of them are even more that than you would've ever thought possible.


3 Salespeople care SURPRISINGLY LITTLE about helping you buy a car


It's a service industry, and salespeople often work on commission, and there's tons of competition, so SURELY these salespeople are gonna bend over backwards to help you out, right?


Nope! Turns out, they barely give a shit! You'll get automated emails from dealers you contacted, and the occasional follow-up phone call from some guy who knows NOTHING about your five past conversations with the dealer, but otherwise, they really might as well just be checked-out teens at some local shitty amusement park


4 They treat the internet like its some mystical wonderland


Every time I quoted a price off Cars.com or Autotrader to one of the salespeople, they'd react like, "Ohh, that's our internet price, that's already reduced. The sticker prices on the lot are always inflated, then we negotiate down to that."


I understand that the sticker prices are always higher but like... are there actually people NOT using the internet to help them buy cars in 2015? Just like, off-the-grid vagabonds roaming the streets then wandering into car dealerships (because they need to buy cars), and aren't aware that the sticker price is two thousand dollars higher than the internet price? And they just pay it with bundles of cash in sacks with dollar signs on them?


Salespeople also pretended to be fake-wowed by my incredible internet research, like "Whoa, you've really done your homework, good for you!" No, I'm just literally any person in 2015 who isn't, like, the Unibomber.


5 You will obsess over weirdly specific safety ratings


There's a number of websites that do independent safety tests on every car model (sometimes with videos of flailing dummies during simulated crashes!) and you'll eventually worry yourself to death that some cars have allllmost perfect safety ratings but scored a big red "RESPONDED POORLY" to one weird specific test where the back rear door received a medium-speed angled impact from a specific type of falling antique bird feeder. WHAT IF THAT HAPPENS TO YOU??


Then you'll obsess over finding a car that has perfect across the board ratings, but then wonder if it's really worth all the extra money, and you'll completely ignore the fact that you spent your entire childhood riding around in shitty cars that weren't 1/10th as safe as anything on the market today without giving it a second thought.


Or you'll suddenly realize you spent your entire childhood ONE BIRDFEEDER away from certain death, and wonder how your parents could have loved you so little.