1. They have MULTIPLE paid streaming services

sexytv

There's nothing sexier than someone showing off their huge, throbbing excess of streaming services. We're talkin' Netflix, Hulu Plus, Amazon Video, HBO Go, Showtime, FX Now, uhhh Crackle, and then services you never heard of but are cool with having at your disposal. Like, I'll probably never watch Crunchyroll, but we all know that old maxim about people with big feet and/or streaming options.

 

2. They have a GREAT dog

dog

Ohhhh baby, sometimes I just wanna do it doggy-style....that's right, I wanna pet a doggy. Have you ever dated someone with a GREAT dog? It's the best. We're talking a big-ish dog (not too big, but like a golden lab or something) who gets super pumped every time you visit, loves getting pet, loves to go on walks to the park, and always wants to play. You get all the benefits of being around a cool dog, while your partner is the one who has to worry about getting its shots and what it's chewing on and what it's currently barfing up.

 

3. Never finishes their meal and lets you eat the leftovers

sexy

Sometimes you just gotta go downtown and eat out....of a bowl, which contains some delicious Indian food. It's important for you both to like the same foods - can you imagine a world where your partner never wanted to go out for Indian food?! - but it's equally important for them to always have slightly less of an appetite than you. That way, when they still have a little chicken vindaloo left, they'll be all like "Oh man, I'm stuffed, you want the rest?" and you can propose to them right then and there. And then eat their remaining chicken vindaloo because HELL YEAH I WANT THE REST.

 

4. Relatives all live SUPER far away

whoa

Ohhh baby, who's your daddy? By that, I mean "What's your father's name?", so I can look him up on WhitePages.com and confirm that he and the rest of your family lives super far away, so I'm not stuck regularly attending awkward family events and hanging out with your parents all the time. Because really, do you want to be under the scrutiny of your date's parents on a regular basis? No way. Ideally, there would be an online dating site SPECIFICALLY for orphans.