Everyone deserves love, but maybe Tinder isn't the best place to find it. We've collected some of the weirdest Tinder profiles, and a few CollegeHumor writers got on Slack to discuss an important question: Would you swipe left or swipe right?This transcript has been mildly edited and we still sound like awful people._________________________________________________________________________
In this chat: Matthew Starr (@matthewsstarr), Shea Strauss (@sheastrauss), and Willie Muse (@williesillie2).
Let's hop right into it. What do we think of profile #1?
Oh boy. I didn't know people critique porn.
I didn't know people DIDN'T critique porn. Does anyone watch porn and go, "hey this is OKAY?"
I think there's a lot going on there. The lighting, etc.
She's threatening to kill me in her bio.
I'm kinda into it.
Not at all attracted to someone who can use a bow and arrow? She could win the Hunger Games.
No, for sure. Just don't threaten me with it before we've even met.
I feel like deep down you want to be with someone you KNOW is capable of murder. Just in case.
That's third date material. Maybe I'm old-school.
Old-fashioned. I also think 100 yds. is a strangely specific number to know.
That does sound like it was lifted from a legal document, which is troubling. But honestly, this girl seems really well suited to an apocalypse scenario, which is what I want in a partner.
In an apocalypse, you want someone who cooks "like Martha and swallows like Kim K"?
I don't know, I'd rather have someone to die with. This girl is going to live. And eat your corpse.
YOU JUST SAID YOU WERE WORRIED SHE'D KILL YOU.
Exactly. I'd die while she survived. I'm looking for a partner who will give up with me. Just a simple gal :) .
She will for sure eat your corpse, but it will be spiced professionally and eaten with fine stemware.
She can swallow. Who's to say that's not corpses?
Final Thoughts: Swipe Right or Swipe Left, and why:
Swipe right, because I'm scared she'll get mad if I don't follow her instructions.
I'd say Swipe Right. She's strong and she knows who she is. Also, I'd very much like to watch porn with her and find out what it means to critique it.
I also Swipe Right, because I can't live always expecting an arrow in the back of my skull. Next profile:
Okay, right off the bat, I have a problem. He says he's Gollum, but his name is Lenny. I dunno if I can trust him.
"Hi I'm Lenny, but my friends call me Gollum."
Gollum's real name was Smeagol. Maybe Lenny is short for that.
Okay fine, I'll let it slide.
I'm into it, I like his total commitment to a bit.
We know that Gollum is going to make you feel precious.
Yeah, and he's all about that ring.
This is a guy who is into commitment.
That's so rare to find on Tinder these days.
He lives in some beautiful scenery too. As an American though, I'm gonna dock him some points for measuring distance in kilometers. I can take being a fictional villain, but I won't put up with the metric system.
No no that's all part of the commitment.
Final thoughts on Lenny/Gollum:
I'd say Swipe Right, but wait for him to make the first move.
Swipe Right, he could be my anti-hero.
I'm saying Swipe Left. I don't eat raw fish.
What if it's naked raw fish? I hear that can be very sexy in a relationship.
Are you just thinking of that Sex and the City episode?
Usually. Also I think that was the movie...
Samantha: "I'm dating a guy who's a total Gollum! I love it!"
"He was definitely the lord of my ring!" (The ring is her genitals)
I don't get it, please describe lady genitalia to me, in detail, please.
(Thank you Matt)
She loses me and wins me, multiple times over.
Let's start with "Literal Witch," because she does.
I think that the word "literal" is troubling. If you're a witch, you don't need to say you're a literal witch. It's just wordy.
Yeah, I wish it was a literary witch. Those are much better.
She reads palms. That's like books.
She can hex for a price.
That's good, because she'll need a business plan with that Chinese degree.
Yeah, I'm for her reading, and I'm glad she has found a way to monetize her skills. I wonder how she is majoring in Chinese in Iowa though.
Where would you go on a date with her?
I feel like I'd probably let her choose. She knows.
Probably to a Cake concert. "Short skirt and some loooooooong heels."
Yeah, she's very upfront about being a witch but a closeted Cake fan.
They'd burn her at the stake.
I've heard Wicca is very anti-alt rock.
You also have to hand it to any profile that begins with "I'm a literal witch" and ends with "Cute as a button."
Oh man, I respect "Cute as a button." I would probably have to see some of her poetry first though. A bad poem is an INSTANT boner killer. And not just my poem called, "Instant Boner Killer."
That's true. If she's using "literal witch," she might not be great with words, sorry to say.
Swipe left, we have incompatible Meyers-Briggs personalities.
I'm going to swipe left, but it's more a reflection on how terrible I am. I can deal with someone being a literal witch, but I don't think I have anything in common with someone who's anti-substances.
I'm Swipe right. I bet I can get some free hexes if the date goes well. I'm in it for the hexes.
Damn Matt. Talk about using someone.
You just made top of the Hex List, Willie.
I get that a lot.
Okay okay okay. First question: is it the dude or the dog? Because that is a good dog. Nice build, kind eyes, great smile.
Even with the questionable opinions, I would date that dog.
That's a sexy-ass dog.
Absolutely, and that dog can definitely touch my butt.
That's how it gets to know you!
Fair game for dogs! It's polite. It's even seeking permission!
I'm curious though, is butt-touching the end game? Because that doesn't seem very fun unless it's leading somewhere. Like, I don't wanna be sitting around just touching butts by the fireplace.
Maybe for a first date, butt-touching is okay.
Always...right? I guess it also depends on what part of the butt.
I'd swipe right just to ask for more specifics.
If we're getting into butt-touching, I'd appreciate specificity. Survey on butt-touching. Cheeks okay?
Assholes only. Please don't include that. I'm sorry Mom.
Also depends on how he's touching it.
We're all still imagining the dog, right?
He has a harness, so I think he's into more than just butt-touching.
I just dunno how into being pawed I am.
Since I've literally swiped right for a cute dog before, I'm going to say swipe right.
Swipe right, Lady and the Tramp is my The Notebook.
Shea's gonna get nasty with a plate of spaghetti, and some vigorous butt-touchin'.
The dream :).
Actually, yeah that sounds like a good night.
I'm swipe right too, he's loyal and honest. Last one:
I mean, pizza's already my boyfriend.
Why does he spell his name wrong? Is it not REAL pizza? Is it a pizza knock-off?
I think this is fake pizza, because when is pizza ever 4 miles away?
Maybe Pizzaa is his name and he's a slice of pizza. I have to say, a 21 year-old slice of pizza seems kind of unappealing.
I bet he has a younger brother we'd rather date.
Are we dating it or are we eating it?
That is always the question with Tinder.
I have a long track record of having sex with foods but pizza would be low on my list.
What foods would you Swipe Right for?
Dunkaroos. Fries. Anything with dipping sauce.
A banana. A tube of biscuit dough. A snack pack.
We were typing that at the same time. Do you want to... Maybe...
That's the saddest thing that's ever happened.
This might be crazy too but... me, you and a Lunchable sometime???
I'd give it a shot. We'll do dinner.
Final Thoughts on Pizzaa.
Swipes don't matter. I found love with Willie and a lunchable after all.
I think I'd rather have the pizza.
I'm swipe right, all pizza is good pizza.