Everyone deserves love, but maybe Tinder isn't the best place to find it. We've collected some of the weirdest Tinder profiles, and a few CollegeHumor writers got on Slack to discuss an important question: Would you swipe left or swipe right?

This transcript has been mildly edited and we still sound like awful people.
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In this chat: Matthew Starr (@matthewsstarr), Shea Strauss (@sheastrauss), and Willie Muse (@williesillie2).

 

  1. Matthew

    Let's hop right into it. What do we think of profile #1?

  2. Witch
  3. Willie

    Oh boy. I didn't know people critique porn.

  4. Shea

    I didn't know people DIDN'T critique porn. Does anyone watch porn and go, "hey this is OKAY?"

  5. Willie

    I think there's a lot going on there. The lighting, etc.

  6. Shea

    She's threatening to kill me in her bio.

  7. Willie

    I'm kinda into it.

  8. Matthew

    Not at all attracted to someone who can use a bow and arrow? She could win the Hunger Games.

  9. Shea

    No, for sure. Just don't threaten me with it before we've even met.

  10. Willie

    I feel like deep down you want to be with someone you KNOW is capable of murder. Just in case.

  11. Shea

    That's third date material. Maybe I'm old-school.

  12. Matthew

    Old-fashioned. I also think 100 yds. is a strangely specific number to know.

  13. Willie

    That does sound like it was lifted from a legal document, which is troubling. But honestly, this girl seems really well suited to an apocalypse scenario, which is what I want in a partner.

  14. Matthew

    In an apocalypse, you want someone who cooks "like Martha and swallows like Kim K"?

  15. Shea

    I don't know, I'd rather have someone to die with. This girl is going to live. And eat your corpse.

  16. Willie

    YOU JUST SAID YOU WERE WORRIED SHE'D KILL YOU.

  17. Shea

    Exactly. I'd die while she survived. I'm looking for a partner who will give up with me. Just a simple gal :) .

  18. Matthew

    She will for sure eat your corpse, but it will be spiced professionally and eaten with fine stemware.

  19. Willie

    She can swallow. Who's to say that's not corpses?

  20. Matthew

    Final Thoughts: Swipe Right or Swipe Left, and why:

  21. Shea

    Swipe right, because I'm scared she'll get mad if I don't follow her instructions.

  22. Willie

    I'd say Swipe Right. She's strong and she knows who she is. Also, I'd very much like to watch porn with her and find out what it means to critique it.

  23. Matthew

    I also Swipe Right, because I can't live always expecting an arrow in the back of my skull. Next profile:

  24. gollum
  25. Willie

    Okay, right off the bat, I have a problem. He says he's Gollum, but his name is Lenny. I dunno if I can trust him.

  26. Matthew

    "Hi I'm Lenny, but my friends call me Gollum."

  27. Shea

    Gollum's real name was Smeagol. Maybe Lenny is short for that.

  28. Willie

    Okay fine, I'll let it slide.

  29. Shea

    I'm into it, I like his total commitment to a bit.

  30. Matthew

    We know that Gollum is going to make you feel precious.

  31. Shea

    Yeah, and he's all about that ring.

  32. Matthew

    This is a guy who is into commitment.

  33. Shea

    That's so rare to find on Tinder these days.

  34. Willie

    He lives in some beautiful scenery too. As an American though, I'm gonna dock him some points for measuring distance in kilometers. I can take being a fictional villain, but I won't put up with the metric system.

  35. Shea

    No no that's all part of the commitment.

  36. Matthew

    Final thoughts on Lenny/Gollum:

  37. Willie

    I'd say Swipe Right, but wait for him to make the first move.

  38. Shea

    Swipe Right, he could be my anti-hero.

  39. Matthew

    I'm saying Swipe Left. I don't eat raw fish.

  40. Shea

    Close-minded.

  41. Willie

    What if it's naked raw fish? I hear that can be very sexy in a relationship.

  42. Shea

    Are you just thinking of that Sex and the City episode?

  43. Willie

    Usually. Also I think that was the movie...

  44. Matthew

    Samantha: "I'm dating a guy who's a total Gollum! I love it!"

  45. Willie

    "He was definitely the lord of my ring!" (The ring is her genitals)

  46. Shea

    I don't get it, please describe lady genitalia to me, in detail, please.

  47. Matthew

    Next profile.

  48. Willie

    (Thank you Matt)

  49. witch
  50. Shea

    She loses me and wins me, multiple times over.

  51. Matthew

    Let's start with "Literal Witch," because she does.

  52. Willie

    I think that the word "literal" is troubling. If you're a witch, you don't need to say you're a literal witch. It's just wordy.

  53. Shea

    Yeah, I wish it was a literary witch. Those are much better.

  54. Willie

    She reads palms. That's like books.

  55. Matthew

    She can hex for a price.

  56. Willie

    That's good, because she'll need a business plan with that Chinese degree.

  57. Shea

    Yeah, I'm for her reading, and I'm glad she has found a way to monetize her skills. I wonder how she is majoring in Chinese in Iowa though.

  58. Matthew

    Where would you go on a date with her?

  59. Willie

    I feel like I'd probably let her choose. She knows.

  60. Shea

    Probably to a Cake concert. "Short skirt and some loooooooong heels."

  61. Matthew

    Yeah, she's very upfront about being a witch but a closeted Cake fan.

  62. Willie

    They'd burn her at the stake.

  63. Shea

    I've heard Wicca is very anti-alt rock.

  64. Matthew

    You also have to hand it to any profile that begins with "I'm a literal witch" and ends with "Cute as a button."

  65. Willie

    Oh man, I respect "Cute as a button." I would probably have to see some of her poetry first though. A bad poem is an INSTANT boner killer. And not just my poem called, "Instant Boner Killer."

  66. Matthew

    100% agree.

  67. Shea

    That's true. If she's using "literal witch," she might not be great with words, sorry to say.

  68. Matthew

    Final thoughts.

  69. Shea

    Swipe left, we have incompatible Meyers-Briggs personalities.

  70. Willie

    I'm going to swipe left, but it's more a reflection on how terrible I am. I can deal with someone being a literal witch, but I don't think I have anything in common with someone who's anti-substances.

  71. Matthew

    I'm Swipe right. I bet I can get some free hexes if the date goes well. I'm in it for the hexes.

  72. Willie

    Damn Matt. Talk about using someone.

  73. Matthew

    You just made top of the Hex List, Willie.

  74. Willie

    I get that a lot.

  75. Matthew

    Next Profile:

  76. Dog
  77. Shea

    Okay okay okay. First question: is it the dude or the dog? Because that is a good dog. Nice build, kind eyes, great smile.

  78. Matthew

    Even with the questionable opinions, I would date that dog.

  79. Willie

    That's a sexy-ass dog.

  80. Shea

    Absolutely, and that dog can definitely touch my butt.

  81. Matthew

    That's how it gets to know you!

  82. Shea

    Fair game for dogs! It's polite. It's even seeking permission!

  83. Willie

    I'm curious though, is butt-touching the end game? Because that doesn't seem very fun unless it's leading somewhere. Like, I don't wanna be sitting around just touching butts by the fireplace.

  84. Matthew

    Maybe for a first date, butt-touching is okay.

  85. Willie

    Always...right? I guess it also depends on what part of the butt.

  86. Shea

    I'd swipe right just to ask for more specifics.

  87. Matthew

    If we're getting into butt-touching, I'd appreciate specificity. Survey on butt-touching. Cheeks okay?

  88. Shea

    Assholes only. Please don't include that. I'm sorry Mom.

  89. Willie

    Also depends on how he's touching it.

  90. Matthew

    We're all still imagining the dog, right?

  91. Willie

    I am.

  92. Shea

    He has a harness, so I think he's into more than just butt-touching.

  93. Willie

    I just dunno how into being pawed I am.

  94. Matthew

    Final thoughts.

  95. Willie

    Since I've literally swiped right for a cute dog before, I'm going to say swipe right.

  96. Shea

    Swipe right, Lady and the Tramp is my The Notebook.

  97. Willie

    Shea's gonna get nasty with a plate of spaghetti, and some vigorous butt-touchin'.

  98. Shea

    The dream :).

  99. Willie

    Actually, yeah that sounds like a good night.

  100. Matthew

    I'm swipe right too, he's loyal and honest. Last one:

  101. pizza
  102. Willie

    I mean, pizza's already my boyfriend.

  103. Shea

    Why does he spell his name wrong? Is it not REAL pizza? Is it a pizza knock-off?

  104. Matthew

    I think this is fake pizza, because when is pizza ever 4 miles away?

  105. Willie

    Maybe Pizzaa is his name and he's a slice of pizza. I have to say, a 21 year-old slice of pizza seems kind of unappealing.

  106. Shea

    I bet he has a younger brother we'd rather date.

  107. Willie

    Are we dating it or are we eating it?

  108. Matthew

    That is always the question with Tinder.

  109. Willie

    I have a long track record of having sex with foods but pizza would be low on my list.

  110. Matthew

    What foods would you Swipe Right for?

  111. Shea

    Dunkaroos. Fries. Anything with dipping sauce.

  112. Willie

    A banana. A tube of biscuit dough. A snack pack.

  113. Willie & Shea (simul.)

    Lunchables.

  114. Shea

    OMG!!

  115. Willie

    AHHH!!

  116. Shea

    We were typing that at the same time. Do you want to... Maybe...

  117. Willie

    That's the saddest thing that's ever happened.

  118. Shea

    This might be crazy too but... me, you and a Lunchable sometime???

  119. Willie

    I'd give it a shot. We'll do dinner.

  120. Matthew

    Final Thoughts on Pizzaa.

  121. Shea

    Swipes don't matter. I found love with Willie and a lunchable after all.

  122. Willie

    I think I'd rather have the pizza.

  123. Matthew

    I'm swipe right, all pizza is good pizza.