I am by no means an expert at sex, but I AM an expert at fucking things up during sex, so take heed, young readers, at these embarrassing situations that await you (or that you've probably already experienced):

 

1 Forgetting to open the box of condoms beforehand

 

Things are turning SEXY, and you are PREPARED! You just bought a new 12-pack of condoms... and they're in the other room, still in a CVS bag located directly in between your roommate and your roommate's parents visiting for the weekend.

 

After a covert rescue mission wearing a towel but not showering (inconspicuous!) now you have to open the plastic in the dark, desperately grasping for that little sticking-out corner part while pathetically lighting it with your cell phone, every second feeling like an eternity, while your partner lays there naked thinking "if they're this skilled at opening plastic, they must be AWESOME at fucking!"

 

2 Having to pee the whole time

 

Things are getting interesting... but you kinda have to pee. You're faced with what's known as The Sexer's Dilemma: Either stop and say "I have to use the bathroom real quick," which is about the least romantic thing anyone can possibly do, or plow through it and proceed to have sex anyway and run the risk of being distracted the whole time by wanting to pee and possibly being unable to finish because your body's just confused by all the fluids. This is a medical fact.

 

(Sidenote: I have not had sex since coining the term "The Sexer's Dilemma")

 

3 Falling asleep afterwards without peeing

 

For women, this means a possible urinary tract infection. For guys, it means waking up the next morning and peeing in directions you never knew were possible -- like, 4-dimensional quantum-mechanics-defying piss streams -- then tiredly cleaning it up with the 4 remaining dabs of toilet paper.

 

The overall takeaway here is that peeing before and after sex is WAY more crucial in real life than movies would have you believe. All the pissing scenes in The Notebook got cut in the final version.

 

4 Committing to sex in a weird location too aggressively

 

Oh HELL YEAH, you're so passionate and spontaneous you're gonna fuck RIGHT HERE ON THIS HOTEL BATHROOM SINK!!!

 

Five seconds in, you both realize how uncomfortable this is, but you can't bow out now or you'll know you're not as cool & spontaneous as you want the other person to believe, but you also don't want to literally injure your private parts while also freezing.

 

There's only one solution: keep at it for a token amount of time, then aggressively switch locations and both act like this new switch is you being EVEN MORE cool & spontaneous, and not just obviously switching away from the shitty terrible spot you just tried. Because you're up for ANYTHING. You're both COOL SEXPEOPLE who can SEX ANYWHERE.

 

5 Using all your best sex tricks WAY too early in a relationship

 

Here's another dilemma: When sleeping with someone for the first time, do you go fully 100% all-out and whip out your couple go-to moves, or do you keep things mostly standard then gradually introduce more and more stuff with each subsequent session?

 

If you choose the former, you might run out of stuff to do the second or third time you're sleeping together and reveal yourself to not quite be the Ultimate Sexmaster you initially pretended to be. But if you don't go all-out from the getgo, you run the risk of the other person not wanting to sleep with you a second time, making everything moot.

 

WHAT DO YOU DO??? Having sex is such a taxing calculation!!!