1. Why are you tying your promise to better yourself with an arbitrary date on a calendar?
Listen, the IDEA of resolutions are basically good - you're trying to improve yourself as a person! The weird thing is that everyone has vaguely agreed that there's a specific day on the calendar when that's supposed to start. Listen - you should ALWAYS be trying to better yourself, not trying to better yourself in one specific way starting on one specific date. Take things at your own pace, and don't only try to fix yourself in one way. Just because you're writing a different year on checks doesn't mean you have to go on a juice cleanse for three weeks.
2. You're seriously gonna try to remove some simple pleasures from your life during the MOST DEPRESSING PART OF THE YEAR?
Resolutions are all about one thing - making your own life worse. Maybe you're going on a diet, or studying harder, or finally taking a yoga class (warning: HOT YOGA IS NOT THE PLACE TO START). It's a necessity in improving yourself - we all rely too much on our vices and indulge ourselves a little too often.
But for god's sake, don't do that to yourself during the worst part of the year. The beginning of a new year is awful - the holidays are over, there's nothing to look forward to for months, it's cold and dark, and you're just returning to work or school. Everything is bad. Don't take away donuts from yourself too.
3. Every gym is the MOST CROWDED it's going to be during the whole year
Callback to #1 - everyone has agreed on a specific date to better themselves, and guess what? Most people have the same resolution - to make themselves and their bodies less fat and gross, particularly after TWO holidays mostly built around overeating (Thanksgiving and Sorry I Ate All The Cookie Dough Mom Also Here's a Funko Pop Wrapped In Newspaper (aka "Christmas")). And that means you're going to have the MOST miserable experience possible at the gym - every machine taken (and, like you, by people who have no idea what they're doing), overbusy and distracted trainers who don't have any time for you, and a general sense that every single one of you newbies is going to give up instantly.
4. You haven't even watched Making a Murderer yet
Sure, you WANT to spend your time wisely, bettering yourself - but there's SO MUCH good TV you still need to catch up on. Everyone's talking about Making a Murderer being super intense and great and you really need to watch that before someone spoils it for you (or you check Wikipedia to see if that guy was found guilty or not). Plus Jessica Jones and that Aziz Ansari show and WHAT the new season of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia is starting?!
Okay, you definitely don't have enough time for any resolutions except "sit on your huge ass and watch Netflix nonstop."
5. You already have to remember to write a different year on checks, isn't that enough?
It's cold and shitty out and you're getting older and no new Star Wars for another two years and the next holiday is Valentine's Day (which sucks regardless of whether you're single or in a relationship, albeit for different reasons) and you're somehow STILL hungover from New Year's Eve at Dave's house, and you're expected to remember to write a DIFFERENT YEAR on checks?! Ugh, that's enough for this year.