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"Oh YEAH - my favorite part of this huge popular sports event is also being advertised to by brands. I can't wait to see what washed-up celebrity shows up to shill for chips in-between an actually interesting game. It's like how people only go on airplanes for the free magazines, or go outside to see billboards!"

Note: Plus, these days, pretty much every big Super Bowl commercial gets released on Youtube like a full week before the game.

 

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Uh, I don't "get" sports. That's why I showed up to this party built around a sports event - to remind everyone that I'm better than them for not caring about this thing they all like. And I will remind you. Loudly. And frequently. And I'll ask really basic questions all the time, because even though sports are dumb, I'm even dumber.

 

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"UGGGH! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT CALL?! WHAT. THE. FUCK! As someone watching the game from thousands of miles away and from a few controlled angles on a TV where my view is consistently being blocked by Fat Doug, I definitely am in a better position to make calls than the refs who are actually there. AND WHO ATE ALL THE TOSTITOS HINT OF LIME CHIPS?!"

 

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"YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THESE TOSTITOS ARE LIMEY AS FUCK HAHAHAHA! ALSO I DRANK ALL THE VODKA IS THE GAME OVER YET DUDE" (*vomits all over the veggie platter*)



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"Fucking SHIT. THROW THE BALL YOU FUCKING IDIOTS! GODDAMMIT! Ah, what? Oh sorry, didn't realize I was bothering you by standing up and pacing back and forth while these FUCKING HACKS RUN THEIR BULLSHIT ON 3RD AND 10. Whew, no, I'm fine, really, just here to have fun and enjoy the game with the rest of OH JESUS CHRIST I'M GONNA HAVE TO SELL MY FUCKING THUMBS."

 

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"Ugh, THIS popular artist? They may be beloved by their legions of fans and have smashed tons of album sales records and are experts at playing to huge crowds using a lot of spectacle, but I PERSONALLY AM NOT A FAN. "Pop music" today is just GARBAGE. Unlike in my day, when music was good. You know what kind of GOOD MUSIC they should get? Uh, ever hear of THE BEATLES? They should get the Beatles to do this next year. But, only the Beatles guys I LIKE."

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"Dude...chill out. It's the Super Bowl. Don't sit there judging your friends all night. Get drunk, yell at the TV a little, eat terribly, and do it all again next year, you weird asshole."

 


UP NEXT:

All future parents out there - NO NEW MIKES: