1)

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There's no doubt that Dewey Finn, the main slacker from School of Rock, is a lovable, charismatic dude. He's even pretty good with kids! I mean, except for all the educational neglect, child endangerment, and organized mass kidnapping. Wait a minute...

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On the one hand, I guess it's neat that the students grow as people/musicians, but as a whole, this is the story about a quirky man who manipulates and endangers a bunch of children for his own selfish, ridiculous reasons. At one point he finds one of the minors he's supposed to be watching in the back of a van with three grease-ass adults who are just casually smoking, drinking, gambling and, based off their appearance, injecting heroin between their toes.

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He takes them off campus several times to skeezy places, and with an almost sociopathic talent for manipulation, consistently lies to their adorable faces, not to mention their parents and the principal. Who in the unqualified Hell put this floor-mattress-dwelling man in charge of other human lives with literally zero paperwork???

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On top of that, these poor children are definitely gonna be held back a year after the district finds out the horseshit this STRAIGHT-UP-NO-WAY-AROUND-IT-CRIMINAL has been getting away with all semester, so there's that. Oh, and he also screwed his best friend out of a great paying job. Man. Jack Black, I think what I'm trying to say is you're tacky and I hate you.



2)

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Speeeeaaaaking of criminally insane educators, where do I even start with this woman? If anyone on this entire list doesn't give even one tiny little fuck, it's Ms "Parent Permission Slips Are For Chumps" Frizzle. Any of her third grade students could be having their flesh devoured by white blood cells or some crazy shit, and she'd be all, "Nothing to worry about here, just a little up-close autoimmune action!" and then she'd wink at her smug lizard and kiss her framed tenure contract. YOU NEED TO BE MORE WORRIED, FRIZZLE. Like, I know Arnold can be kind of a buzzkill, always begging for "this field trip to be a regular field trip," but during their first adventure ever he takes his helmet off on Pluto and HIS FACE GETS FROZEN INTO A TERRIFYING ICE STATUE AND MS. FRIZZLE DOESN'T EVEN FUCKING FLINCH so he's kind of got a point. Stop taking minors into deep space, you legitimate goddamn psychopath.

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By the way, that? That right there? That's a bunch of Arnold's actual human shit. His classmates are casually walking around his colon after Ms. Frizzle enters his body without his permission, against his will, in the THIRD episode. So.



3) 

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This one's less of a secret, but it's still important that everyone knows what a true self-centered bastard Scott Pilgrim is, despite the overall fantasticness of the movie. Most of his own friends and even his sister know he's kind of awful from the beginning, but I think we all look past it because he's, y'know...the hero?

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First off, I think we all know Romana Flowers is actually the worst (see: 8 Fictional Girls We Were Supposed to Love But Actually Suck), but she is THE quentisential manic-pixie dream girl, so can we really blame Scott for falling head over heels for her? Yes, yes we can. He is a full-ass grown adult who instead of breaking it off with his emotionally immature and vulnerable girlfriend (who is a CHILD in case you forgot), he decides to make out with a shirtless Ramona like a real dick while they're still dating. You should have taken Wallace's advice and fled from this "total ladykiller wannabe jerky-jerk," Knives.

On top of the whole cheating thing, he's just generally inconsiderate. Making his 17-year-old girlfriend pay for their Dance Dance Revolution games, constantly forgetting her at the bus stop or library, making every conversation about himself always, and just overall not giving a floating fuck about anyone else's feelings.

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At the end he's able to defeat Gideon because he earns the power of self-respect??? How! How did he earn that? By half-assedly apologizing to Kim and Knives FINALLY? No wonder Nega Scott is such a "nice guy." It adds up that if he's the opposite of real life Scott he's probably not a complete asshole casserole.



4) 

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She's just such an enormous lady dick. This is her face when her nice, dorky dad who's paying for four years of her college tries to make a dad joke:

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This is her face when the adorable Jesse attempts to make small talk at their boring job:

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What is that??? She essentially doesn't smile unless she's making fun of someone else for being less cool than her. She does become a little more tolerable by the end of the movie, but overall, she's an entitled, pretentious demon. Some examples:

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  1. She yells at Jesse, who is an actual angel, when he pretty reasonably calls her dad after she gets arrested.
  2. She yells at Jesse when he defends her after Aubrey accuses her of sleeping with the enemy.
  3. She starts improvising without telling anybody in the middle  of a live competition and then storms off, like SHE'S not the rude in that situation.
  4.  What kind of black-hearted succubus doesn't like MOVIES?
  5.  The first thing she says when Chloe asks if she's interested in joining the Barden Bellas is "Sorry, just, it's pretty lame." Um, what a not okay thing to say to a stranger who's clearly passionate about something, ya piece of shit hipster garbage-person.

5) 

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First of all, she needs to stop almost killing her sister ALL the time. Secondly, she should have to pay child support for every sentient being she brings into the world, JUST like the rest of us. (The big snow murder-monster gets left at the ice castle, and puts on Elsa's little tiara after the end credits, so I guess he's like, the princess of that mountain now? Does she ever visit him?) Also, for the queen of an entire kingdom, she sure does run away like a big baby anytime something goes wrong.

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You're a grown up, you probably have a bank account, DEAL WITH YOUR PROBLEMS.



6) 

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There are really only a few things you need to know to understand that Ash is a horrible, horrible child.

  1. Pokemon have debatably human-like intelligence. Some of them, like Meowth, can even speak. Regardless of this fact, Ash, amongst many others, enslaves these beautiful, elegant, regal creatures in teeny balls that are probably ill-ventilated and almost certainly caked in feces. (Have YOU ever seen a Pokemon trainer clean out their balls? Because I haven't.)
  2. There are real actual animals that already exist in the Pokemon world, like lobster and fish and cows, because we've seen Ash, Misty, Brock, and Pikachu (Ash's "equal", lest we forget) eat them.

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So here's the thing...even though there are perfectly good normal fish all over the goddamn place, Ash has eaten Magikarp meat, the meat of one of the creatures their entire culture practically fetishizes and CLAIMS to respect.

(Disclaimer: please do not continue if you are of weak constitution, as the following image is extremely graphic in nature.)

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Above is a picture of the protagonist of the series scarfing the face off a fried Magikarp Hannibal Lecter style. Truly haunting.That little crispy guy will never become a majestic, colossal Gyarados. He will become a young Japanese boy's poop. RIP.



7) 

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Han's a legit dick. He abandons the rebels at the moment of their greatest need, only showing back up once the hard part was over, and he revels in the glory as though he were there the whole time. He accepts one of TWO medals given out, while tons of other pilots were loyal the whole time and died to get Luke as far as he did.

But most importantly ...

Han shot first.