They say money can't buy happiness, but the customers of these products probably beg to differ. Behold, the most expensive sex toys we could find* that MUST have brought a grin or two.

*From eBay, because the internet is far too vast and scary for such a search. Plus eBay descriptions are amusing.

1. "Vibrator - Lelo - Inez Vibrator Gold"

eBay Title Translation: Gold Vibrator

Price: $13,340

Although if you're TRULY rich, for around $500k you could buy a legit gold bar and stick it up there.


Best (worst) thing about this product: The fact they used adjectives such as luxurious, elegant, and evocative to describe a vibrator.


2. "1/4 Lot Sex Toy Penis Ring Extender Enlarger Sleeve Condom Erection Impotenc Aid"

eBay Title Translation: Pricy Penis Sleeves

Price: $11,318.43

Sure, this one might be a mistake considering only one sleeve is over $10,000, and the other three are closer to $15, but maybe, just maybe this one penis sleeve is THAT special. Someone please order this and let us know.


Best (worst) thing about this product: You may return it within 30 days. Gross. 


3. "170 cm beautiful Platinum Silicone Sex Doll is she fake? Yes or no"

eBay Title Translation: Priciest Sex Doll On Ebay

Price: $4,995

Why is this item asking you a question? Also, spoiler alert: They say she's NOT fake. Which only raises more questions.


Best (worst) thing about this product: This quote: "Once you have decided, your adoption paperwork will be sent to her maker John within 3 days."


4. "New 2015 design 4.6' Realistic Sex Doll Silicone Rubber Life Size build to spec"

eBay Title Translation: Blue Hair Sex Doll

Price: $4,300

If I'm paying $4000+, I want this year's model.


Best (worst) actual quote from the seller: Under 'Brand,' they've simply written 'fun.'