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Sure - you can PRETEND you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a spouse who's a human being. You can even pretend that you're single and not in a relationship with anyone. But you're wrong. YOU'RE ALL DEAD WRONG.

Because you're dating your phone. Just own up to it and admit it to yourself.

Don't believe me? Well...



1. It spends more time adjacent to your genitals than your actual girlfriend or boyfriend

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Your phone spends an inordinate amount of time RIGHT next to your genitals.



2. It goes everywhere with you

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You are in a co-dependent relationship with your phone - you take it EVERYWHERE with you (including the bathroom), you freak out if you can't find it, and you get REAL uncomfortable when ANYONE else touches it. You don't even like it when your actual girlfriend or boyfriend shows up to trivia night at the bar (they don't know ANYTHING about The Simpsons but still yell out answers)



3. You know everything about it

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There's not a thing you don't instinctively know about your phone - you know where every app is hidden, you know how to text without even looking at the screen, and you know JUST how long the battery will last when it has a full charge.

Meanwhile, you forgot your girlfriend's middle name and her birthday last week.



4. It's your real saving grace at parties where you don't know anyone

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Who do you bring to parties where you don't really know anyone? Your phone. Yeah, sometimes your (supposed) girlfriend or boyfriend too, but your ACTUAL savior those nights is your phone. It helps you pretend to text or get a phonecall, and it's more than willing to help out.