Your weirdest porn fetish? You've told your phone. Your drunk texts to your second-cousin? You've told your phone. Your Facebook browsing habits when you're drunk at 2am? You've told your phone. And ya know what? Your phone doesn't judge. It understands. You trust it, and it trusts you. This is the healthiest relationship you could ever hope for.
No matter how much of a loud, drunken mess you were at the party or bar that night, guess who's more than willing to walk you home? Precious, trustworthy phone. It'll guide the way with its light, although the light WILL be aimed directly into your face and you might accidentally try to cross a road before you get the Walk signal, but that's besides the point.
Here's a big one - it's the last thing you check before you go to bed (sorry, actual girlfriend or boyfriend), and you either sleep with it or you sleep with it like an inch away on a nightstand. You want to keep it close - because, deep down, you love your phone more than anything or anyone.
Seriously - THAT'S how much you care about protecting it. Let me ask you this: did you buy a bulletproof vest for your girlfriend or boyfriend?
Didn't think so.