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Going on Amazon when you're drunk is like stepping into Willie Wonka's chocolate factory. There are just so many new sensations and things you're eager to try and it's all so exciting.

But there must be a cautionary tale somewhere in, even without the singing Oompa Loompas to spell everything out for you. So surf carefully, young internet buyers, or you may end up paying a lot of money for a Seinfeld themed butt plug that you'll only use once. 

 


1. Giant 26-Pound Gummy Worm Python Snake

Hilarious Drunk Amazon Purchases

Sober-Me is too budget- and health-conscious to purchase 26 pounds of pure gummy-goodness, but DRUNK-ME is ALL ABOUT THIS. Can't buy groceries for a few weeks, but at least I'll be able to chow down on this for at least a month.


2. Donald Trump Toilet Paper

Hilarious Drunk Amazon Purchases

Hilarious Drunk Amazon Purchases

If you support Donald Trump, why wouldn't you want his face cleaning up your butthole (just as he promises to clean up our nation)?

And if you oppose Donald Trump, what better "F*** YOU" is there than smearing his face with your feces?

Finally, a toilet paper that can unite the entire country.



3. Old Asian Man Peel and Stick Wall Decals

Hilarious Drunk Amazon Purchases

A decal of an old Asian man stuck to your wall at all times has countless benefits. We'll let you figure out exactly what those benefits are, though.




4. The Grilled Cheesus Sandwich Press

Hilarious Drunk Amazon Purchases

Hilarious Drunk Amazon Purchases

This sandwich looks goddamn great.



5. Bitten Baloney Sandwich Wall Decal

Hilarious Drunk Amazon Purchases

Hilarious Drunk Amazon Purchases

Speaking of sandwiches and wall decals...Drunk-Me is verrry excited.



6. Stress Relief Boob Ball

Hilarious Drunk Amazon Purchases

Hilarious Drunk Amazon Purchases

Drunk-Me at 3am believes this to be the most sound financial investment they've ever made.


7. Nicolas Cage Pillowcase

Hilarious Drunk Amazon Purchases

For those lonely, drunk nights when a decal of an old Asian man on your wall just isn't enough.



8. 8 Lbs. of Lucky Charms Marshmallows ONLY

Hilarious Drunk Amazon Purchases

Because YOU'RE AN ADULT NOW AND ARE ALLOWED TO LIVE OUT YOUR FANTASIES! WOOOOOO!!!