Porn dialogue was never meant to be Shakespeare - it's just a means to an end, a way to establish SOME light context to differentiate THIS bang video from every other bang video. But since the main focus is usually the banging, lots of porn movies have wound up with insanely weird and WTF dialogue sequences that were left in simply because no one cared enough to cut them out.

All of the below videos are safe for work, in that you won't actually see any nudity...but still, you'll have a hard time explaining to your boss exactly why you're giggling loudly at a dude beggining his nurse to kill him with her genitals.



1. The porn scene about euthanasia

There aren't too many topics that I would say are "off limits" for porn, but the concept of euthanasia feels like an odd fit. After all, choosing to end your own life seems like a pretty grim basis for a porn video, but who am I to argue when it actually includes an exchange as incredible as this?

  1. Nurse

    Are you sure you wanna do this? I mean, there's so many reasons to live.

  2. Mr. Green

    Like what? My health?

  3. Nurse

     Well, music?

  4. Mr. Green

     I listen to goth.

  5. Nurse

     Movies?

  6. Mr. Green

     I watch porn, which makes me horny, and reminds me I have no one.

  7. Nurse

     Children?

  8. Mr. Green

     They throw rocks at me.

The whole thing is acted surprisingly well (in a very campy way) and it seems like everyone was actually having a lot of fun - I mean, hell, these are the lines that actually lead into all the sex stuff:

hilarious sfw porn scenes

hilarious sfw porn scenes



2. The infamous "Lemon Tree" opening

Every now and then I see this video being shared around, and it's not hard to see why: it's easily the most knowingly WTF porn opening ever. The writers and actors were well aware of how meaningless dialogue and set-up was in porns, so they decided to lean into it HARD - by having a couple not only talking about how great their lemon tree is (to the point of suggesting they get "lemon tree insurance" and wishing they were themselves lemons), but also how "dirty whores" were out to steal all of their lemons.

And lo and behold, a "dirty whore" was sneaking behind them throughout the entire video, looking to steal their lemons - and causing the dude who had been gently fantasizing about lemon tree loans a moment ago to angrily scream:

hilarious sfw porn scenes



3. The only porn under the "Cartwheels" tag

Most of the setup of this is relatively normal for a porn video (again - FOR A PORN VIDEO): a dude has convinced his girlfriend to pretend to break-up with him to trick a random older woman into feeling bad for him so he can have sex with her (all while goofy happy whistling music plays in the background). They do some porn stuff together (wink wink) and then he...

Well, you kinda just need to see it: